Dear Aunt Sophie,
When I left my village in Afghanistan to fight the American pig-invaders I never thought I would be writing to one of them for help, especially not to a woman, as we do not speak to women. I hope that since I am writing and not speaking, perhaps Allah will forgive me. Believe me, if I could think of any other way I would not even imagine writing to a woman, especially the daughter of a monkey and a pig. Such is the pass my life has come to. I have been corrupted by the infidel.
I am being kept in a cage in some place where the Americans, may Allah feast on their entrails, are our jailers. They do not tell me where I am. It is hot here, and humid and I have not seen a single camel. It is not at all like the desert I yearn for. But that is not the worst of it. What makes this impossible to endure is the constant torture I am subjected to. They question me and when I say nothing they yell at me. Do you know how it feels to have someone yell at you? My father used to do it and it made me feel like less than the dust under a camel pie. The Americans must have found that out about me because they have yelled at me twice, but with Allah’s help I have refused to let them break my will.
But they have devised other diabolical tortures. Do you know what they did to my brother-in-law, who is another of the poor wretches in this hell place? They wrapped the flag of the loathsome Zionist entity around him. Everyone knows that if you touch the flag of that iniquitous pigsty your skin will turn black and fall off. The only way you can touch it without these consequences is to step on it and even then you must wear shoes with dirt on them, otherwise your feet will peel and your bones will crack up to the knee and you will be reduced to begging at the roadside. The American beasts know that and that is why they have devised this terrible torture. When my poor brother-in-law returned after this torture his skin had not yet turned black and I have heard that it is still not black, but I know that soon it will be. And then it will fall off. Everyone knows this. He will start screaming in the night when he sees his blackened skin. I am unable to sleep at night because I am dreading this screaming so much. I don’t know how much more of this I can endure.
Another thing, they use women. They have sometimes let them touch us. I am not even allowed to take food from a woman’s hand yet I have been touched by the woman who bandaged the wound on my head when I was brought here. Everyone knows that means the wound will never heal. It is a diabolical plot against the faithful followers of Allah to give them wounds that never heal and make their skin turn black and fall off.
Do you know a good lawyer?
Allah’s Faithful Talib al-Gamal Who Begs for Mercy
I hope I haven’t breached some arcane rule of etiquette by calling you Talib, but your full title seems a little long to bear repetition.
I’m sorry to hear that waiting for your brother-in-law to molt is getting under your skin. You might have thought of that before you tried to take on the United States. Now you’re stuck wondering whether his entire skin will drop off or maybe just those pieces that actually came in contact with the Israeli flag. Perhaps Allah will hear his prayers and he will have some skin left. If so, I hope he will remember to be grateful. Had he lived in Iraq, Saddam would have claimed his entire hide and those of his wife and children as upholstery for his den furniture.
You shouldn’t let your brother-in-law’s horrible fate color your feelings about your current domicile. It’s the American plan, so you get three squares a day, bedding, clean underwear and your holy book. Count your blessings. Of course if you were in a real Yankee prison you’d be made to suffer the television torture. And if you wanted to change the channel you’d have to beg permission from some peevish nightmare called Tiny.
As it happens, I do know a few good lawyers, but unfortunately for you, they don’t see you as a law enforcement problem. They think of you as a sand-eating schnook who could have had a nice, unremarkable life herding goats if only he’d had the sense not to get mixed up with the wrong playmates.
The one ambulance chaser I can think of who is completely sympathetic to you and your cause is presently trying to keep her own – yes, it’s a woman - porcine derriere out of prison for aiding and abetting one of your homies, but if you can hang on for a few decades or so I’m sure she’ll rush to your defense just as soon as she can.
In the meantime, don’t let the flag torture get you down. A little agony never hurt anyone.
Good luck and God bless.