Dear Aunt Sophie,
I am el Presidente of a large, proud country in Norte America.
Many of my citizens believe they can better themselves by working in your country and earning your higher wages. They can also get better medical care, for free. Whatever you may say about my people, you can’t say they’re stupid. They know a good thing when they see it.
But I have been very disappointed in your countrymen lately. I have heard, for example, that extremists are forming posses to patrol your border to keep my beloved citizens out. This is not neighborly.
But, more important, if my people can’t work in your country they will continue to be impoverished. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to govern an impoverished country? Those are the kinds of places where movements like socialism take hold. I don’t think you would be very happy with a socialist country to your immediate south.
Another thing – what would we do if our criminals had no place to go? We would either have to house and feed them or put them to death. As a civilized country we are against the death penalty but we cannot house and feed so many criminals, so they must have a place to go. Until recently you have been quite gracious about taking care of them for us. I understand that you even have asylum cities. That is a beautiful gesture. I cannot understand why this concept has not been extended to your whole country. Instead, you have these red-necks (I know this term because I went to school in your country) patrolling your border. I don’t care if they don’t all have guns. They are extremists. Nazis.
Now, about the wall you are building. Why are you unwilling to share your beautiful country with us? Civilized countries do not build walls. Everyone knows walls don’t work. All a wall does is to make some people feel excluded. They create resentment. All walls should be torn down. Norte America should be one big country with many languages and a magnificent multiplicity of peoples. And why is not every one of your children learning our beautiful language?
You gringos have an unfortunate tendency to label people. You must stop accusing us of letting terrorists enter your country. Just because a man from Saudi Arabia takes a Spanish name, learns to say “muera el yanqui puerco”, and carries a small amount of nuclear material across your border doesn’t make him a terrorist.
I meet with your Presidente Arbusto from time to time to discuss these matters, but I sense that what is needed is a better public relations effort on our part to win over your Señor Sixpack. Could you suggest what I might tell your people so that they will stop thinking of our efforts to stabilize our own country as la reconquista?
Why do you think you have a PR problem with us when it would never occur to the average gringo to question why he should not cheerfully turn his streets into an NYPD Blue theme park for vicious gangs of thieves and rapists? Nor would it occur to this same gringo that the money with which he supplies orthodontic appliances to the offspring of your jetsam might be better spent buffing his own kids’ smiles.
Over the years we rednecks have developed what are no doubt erroneous preconceptions about the sort of government that supplies its surplus citizens with user-friendly instruction in the fine points of breaking our laws. Most of us continue to labor under the false impression that anyone who would enter our country by stealth through tunnels built for smuggling dope and weapons might someday consider breaking some of our other laws.
Given the ignorant insularity of most people north of the border, you might be forgiven for assuming that we’re unwilling to beef up our foreign language instruction to provide sufficient numbers of public defenders, but I assure you this is not the case. Our bi-lingual programs are second to none in turning out large numbers of students who are illiterate in two languages.
By the way, have you ever wondered why houses have walls? Your presidential palace has them, doesn’t it? Electronic walls? Stone walls? Ornate plaster walls? And the purpose of all these walls is - to keep you in?
You must understand why Americans are so eager to have your turnstile jumpers telling them how to run their country - who wouldn’t be crazy about guests who arrive uninvited, refuse to leave, tell you how to arrange your furniture in a language you don’t speak, all the while expecting you to underwrite the good life for their entire extended families?
Make Joe Sixpack believe you don’t want to wreck his country? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Good luck and God bless.