Dear Aunt Sophie,
I am a movie star, well, an actor, that is to say what was formerly called an actress. I’m a working actor, which is more than most actors can say for themselves. I’d been looking for ways to kick my career into overdrive because it wasn’t moving fast enough, and I thought of this really original way of doing it. I made a political statement. That made people sit up and take notice and it felt really good. For about two minutes. Until people started making fun of me.
I’m not used to that. You wouldn’t know what it’s like because you’re not important enough for anybody to make fun of you, but let me tell you it isn’t a nice feeling, and feelings are really important to us actors.
What I said was that even though 9-11 was a terrible tragedy, those of us who were spared should be brave enough to ask serious questions about America’s role in the world. I don’t see why anyone would make fun of that. When I was a little kid I’d have to screw up all my courage before I could even ask to go to the bathroom. It does take a lot of courage to ask questions and it isn’t nice not to recognize that fact.
Americans are sheep. Somebody tells them the country was attacked for no reason and they accept it without asking why. Nobody attacks you for no reason. You create your own fate. (That’s another way of saying you get what you ask for.) Now, bearing that in mind, can you honestly say America didn’t ask for it? People and countries have to take responsibility for their actions.
If I don’t get a part because I missed an audition because I forgot to set the alarm, it’s my own fault - unless I forgot to set the clock because I got in late from a really good party at a producer’s house. In that case it’s the producer’s fault because if the party had been boring I would have come home earlier and remembered I had an audition the next day and set the alarm. But how many people would be brave enough to ask if an actor’s missing an audition was really a producer’s fault? See what I mean? It takes courage to ask questions.
America has done some reprehensible things and I just know it’s responsible in some way for this event but I’m not sure exactly how. I’m trying to figure it out in between learning my next part.
This is a momentous concept. How can I get people to take me seriously?
I suppose it does take a certain kind of courage to tell millions and millions of people to ask themselves what they might have done to inspire maniacs to crash airplanes into office buildings, so I hate to be the one to suggest that you aren’t the first lionheart to think of it. You’ve joined some very heroic company in Tinseltown. I’ll be amazed if you’re not offered a key role in the next Michael Moore “documentary”.
Since you’re positive America must have done something to provoke the peaceable kingdom, but you’re not quite sure what it might have been, perhaps I can point you toward some specifics. It has to do with America’s legendary willingness to stand by and do nothing. Did America make any attempt to halt the Inquisition? Never. Did it try to stop the invasion of Europe by hoards of Ostrogoths, Visigoths, Vandals and Huns? No. Did it do anything to prevent the Flood, even though global warming caused by SUV’s made in America probably provoked the forty-day deluge? Don’t be ridiculous. Of course not.
These reprehensible misdeeds found their culmination on 9-11 when America was attacked by Moslems still miffed at the United States for not having halted the Turks at the gates of Vienna. (Everybody knows that if America had done the right thing instead of letting Sobieski save the city there would have been a Marshall Plan for the Islamic world and today every Moslem man would have seventy-two pair of Bruno Magli sandals).
We all know that America has never done anything positive, but let’s pretend for just a minute that it led the way in the abolition of slavery, that it put an end to the Third Reich, the Evil Empire and a certain Middle East dictator with a fondness for people-shredders. Or we could pretend it’s a place where four-fifths of the world would like to live, even if it means crossing the border clinging to the axel of an 18-wheeler - with the notable exception of the French, who would rather stay where they are and pretend to be a world power while pretending to be our friends.
Obviously, we need to hear from more people who make their living pretending to be other people.
If you want to be taken seriously, try pretending you’re a blonde.
Good luck and God bless.