Chere Tante Sophie,
I have just suffered the most humiliating defeat of my long and illustrious career in public service. Something dear to my heart that I have been, as you Américains would say, pushing for quite some time, that is the constitution for the European Union, was defeated by my fellow countrymen at the polls. I cannot believe what they have done. They are obstructing the unification of Europe.
You will not wish to hear this, but I will say it anyway because I am always truthful - it causes me much distress that we Europeans will have to wait to bury your economy. France has been trying for two centuries to outproduce you. For some reason she has not been able to do so, but a unified Europe certainly could. This is something every European would like to see. You have been - what is that typically American expression? – top dog - for too long. The position of top dog should rotate. One year you could be top dog, the next year France, one year Portugal, the next year France - that would be fair. But now we will have to wait for this to happen because my countrymen apparently did not understand what was at stake.
But there is something more, of which I have not spoken to anyone else. I was counting on this vote as an affirmation of my very important, not to say foremost, position in la nouvelle Europe. It would almost certainly have guaranteed my re-election as Président. Now I may have to relinquish my office. Oh, I will still be invited to many parties and I will still enjoy fine cuisine, but I will be unemployed. I would rather take poison than lose my position. And there is still another dimension to this tragedy. As long as I remain in office I cannot be investigated, but once I am out, voilá I am exactement like every other Frenchman.
You are not important, so you have no idea how it feels to become less important than you were. It is horrible. And to become even less important than you could have been, that is beyond description. I am no good to my mistress and I am afraid my wife may take a lover. How can I regain my self-confidence?
Like you, I have always wondered why la belle France has never been able to outproduce the United States. You’d think a civilized country that employs parking lot snoops to be sure no one is working more than thirty-five hours a week would be able to eclipse a bunch of uncultured louts who work twice as hard and twice as long, especially when these troglodytes spend at least half of that time hanging around the office water-cooler instead of improving their minds in romantic outdoor cafés. Perhaps some day a greater mind than mine will solve this mystery.
I can well understand why you may not wish to undergo the humiliation of an investigation into anything having to do with an icky black liquid and a certain Middle Eastern dictator who is so unrefined as to allow himself to be photographed in his culottes courtes. Not that you have anything to hide, but imagine if any of that inky ooze ever got on your hands.
Many times, if one can resolve the tension at the root of one’s adequacy deficit, one can regain one’s vigor. There must be some way for you to destroy all the evidence of you in bed with the Hairy One. No? Too many souvenirs of your relationship not under your control? Quel dommage. I guess you’ll have to find a way to explain away the public embraces and the questionable deposits into your Swiss accounts. Of course you can always fall back on that old stand-by, deny, deny, deny. It worked for our last president, so why shouldn’t it work for you. If all else fails, you can remind prosecutors that it all depends on the meaning of être.
Since your problèmes d’amour seem to stem from feelings of diminished importance perhaps it’s time to revise your idea of what’s important. It isn’t necessary to run a country to be taken seriously. After all, without the lowly rat there would have been no Great Plague.
Good luck and God bless.