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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Thursday, July 07, 2005

Dear Aunt Sophie,

I am a Democratic US Senator from New York (which puts me in a very select club). I am also married to an ex-president, so the air I breathe is rather rarified (although he’s a s***head he is useful). I’m telling you this so you understand I’m not just anybody.

Recently a high operative in the current administration defamed me and all my Democratic colleagues. When I called for him to repudiate his slander he refused. He wouldn’t resign, either. I can’t let it pass, though, because what he said was just too mean.

He said that after 9-11 while Republicans prepared for war, liberals made a case for criminal prosecutions and offering terrorists “therapy”. Therapy! He made us sound like idiots. He made us sound soft on terror. And worse, he made us sound as if we’re clueless about how to persuade terrorists not to attack us again. I can’t believe anyone could insult us this way and get away with it. And in New York! Talking about 9-11 in New York ought to be against the law. It brings back terrible memories and makes people angry. For a Republican to do it is especially reprehensible. Getting people angry for partisan purposes ought to be a hate crime.

Well, I’m not clueless. I know exactly what I will do to get the terrorists to back off when I’m president – it’s the same thing I used to do when I was co-president. You threaten them. And you back it up with action. We used to do this all the time. We’d make sure everyone knew that if they didn’t toe the line we’d have them audited. And we’d arrange an audit for one or two of their friends to be sure they got the message. It worked every time. Why should terrorists be any different than White House travel agents?

We Democrats are all in favor of threatening terrorists. Therapy indeed! Guantanamo is therapy? I happen to agree with my distinguished colleague who called that a concentration camp, but of course I can’t say it publicly because if I did there’d be hell to pay with my constituents and I don’t think that the fact that my great-grandmother’s second husband’s brother-in-law was Jewish would help much. People are hyper-sensitive these days. You can’t be too careful what you say, no matter what you think.

How can I make every American understand that liberals are even tougher on terror than the f***ing right wing?

Soon-to-be 44th

Dear Soon,

How churlish for a Republican to speak of 9-11, let alone in New York! Why it’s almost as bad as mentioning Pearl Harbor in Hawaii.

I don’t see why you should have any trouble getting people to understand that liberals are tougher on terror than conservatives. The key is getting people to understand that liberals are tough on terror in their own way. It’s rather like getting them to understand the liberal approach to child molesters: While some bigots might think they should be boiled in oil, liberals understand that they were probably victims themselves, which is why they are asked to register when they get out of prison and take up their normal, productive activities between kidnappings. Everyone loves children, but it’s important to realize that some people have a different way of showing it.

Let’s not forget that terrorists are people, too, even though their traditions may differ from ours. While we raise our children in the hope that they’ll grow up to have families of their own, terrorists encourage their young to turn themselves into steak tartare in the course of murdering other people’s children, a unique outlook, but valid in its own way.

Instead of desecrating mosques and slaughtering innocents in foreign lands, Americans should be listening and learning – learning what it is about them that drives some people to take hi-jacking lessons. This isn’t therapy, it’s simply good manners.

If America were serious about ending terrorism it would strive for world peace. It would sit in the General Assembly with its hands tied, um, folded and listen to endless hours of castigation before working up a fool-proof plan to persuade millions of unskilled people to enter the country illegally. It would promise never to build another power plant without first securing Ralph Nader’s blessing. It would teach the Koran in public school while simultaneously removing all representations of the Ten Commandments from any place where they might be viewed without buying a ticket. It would cease production of all internal combustion engines not destined for use in limousines in the District of Columbia. It would abolish the death penalty but would encourage physician-assisted suicide, thus expanding the new definition of eminent domain to include making room for new people who would provide more value to society than the old ones they’d replace.

In short, if America were serious about world peace it would simply cease to be America and let the waters close over its head.

You and your liberal friends are every bit as tough on terror as anybody else. It’s just too bad you think we’re the terrorists.

Good luck and God bless.

Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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