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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I am the senior senator from New York, although judging by all the attention my esteemed junior colleague gets you’d think she was the senior. I hate this. I’d like to be enjoying my seniority, but she won’t let me. (If she were in my position, she would probably say it p***es the s*** out of her. She has a way with words.)

Anyway, the other day on the train somebody overheard one of my cell phone conversations and in two seconds it was all over the DrudgeReport. I was discussing what we’ll have to do to block the nomination of right-wing extremists to the Supreme Court. Of course, it’s perfectly reasonable to keep extremists off the Court, so I said we were going to go to war about this.

It was obvious that when it showed up on Drudge it would be completely out of context. Anyone with half a brain knows I didn’t really mean war. I hate war. It was just a figurative use of the word. Sure we’ll be tough. The nation’s freedom is at stake. You can’t protect people’s freedom by being a milksop.


Someone has to stop this former Yalie playboy C-student from Texas before he completely shreds the Constitution. If he gets his way on judges we’ll be right back in the 50’s or even, God forbid, the 40’s, when a woman could only get an abortion in a back alley, tens of thousands of people were lynched every month and when a suspect confessed people believed he was guilty. Nobody wants to go back to those days.


If Mr. Nucular absolutely must name a right-wing religious fanatic to the court, he should at least name one who recognizes that we live in the wider world, someone who is capable of learning from other cultures. Someone who’s lived in France. And above all, someone who doesn’t think he/she has to come down on the same side of an issue every time. A moderate. Remember – one man’s justice is another’s injustice. If you aren’t a serious thinker you might believe consistency is a virtue, but let’s not forget, it is the hobgoblin of little minds. Sort of like patriotism – it sounds noble, but it’s the last refuge of a scoundrel.


I’m going to go out on a limb here - this may sound callous and I’d never say it publicly (in fact if you quote me I’ll deny it), but it’s a good thing the bombings in London happened when they did. They ran Drudge right off the front page, and not a minute too soon. I’m hoping people will just forget about what they read. Or do you think I should apologize for saying “war” when I didn’t really mean War?




Dear Chuckie,


You needn’t be afraid anyone will misunderstand your statement about going to war. Most people know that when a liberal says he’s “going to war” on something he’s not talking about fighting with guns; he means he’s getting ready to declare obesity in pets, I mean companion animals, punishable by a fine which will be used to fund a “war” on something else of equal importance to the republic.


I share your concern for the Constitution. Nowadays everybody seems to want to bite off a piece. It would sure be a shame to go back to those horrible days when you could be fairly certain that if you bought a house it was yours. Or when convicted child rapist/torturer/murderers were executed before they had time to develop Alzheimer’s.


Without moderate judges Americans would have no idea how perilous their lives used to be.


I’m sure if you have anything to do with it, the new court will discover many fascinating rights lurking under the Constitution’s penumbras which the average citizen can not begin to imagine today, such as the inalienable right of third-graders to sport pierced navels at show and tell.


It will be such a relief to know that I’ll never have to fear the government poking its snout into my bedroom except to tell me how many hours I must sleep in order to avoid being charged with driving while fatigued. And let’s not forget how grateful everyone but the divorce lawyers will be when marriage is finally defined out of existence.


Once you and your colleagues have completed your long march through the Constitution I think America will be heaven on earth. So help me Manitou.


Good luck and God bless.

Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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