Dear Aunt Sophie,
I’m married to this gorgeous, great woman who is, well, was, a spy. (That’s somewhat classified information, but I trust you won’t reveal it.) Even though I’ve done my best to keep it hush-hush people have found out. How could that be, I’ve asked myself. There can be only one answer - it has to have been that Bush satellite, what’s his name – Rose, Rove? (It’s just a name to me because I’m really not into politics.)
Everyone knows when you reveal the identity of a spy you put that person’s life in jeopardy. Funny thing is – even though I ought to be outraged, in a way I don’t mind. I’m almost proud. You have no idea how cool it is to be married to a spy. The movies don’t do it justice. I was an ambassador, but I didn’t have half as much fun as my wife (whom I absolutely refuse to name). In case you’re wondering, she never had to sleep with anyone to keep her cover. (It wasn’t that deep.) Besides she was with me the whole time. We had the time of our lives. It was just so damn cool!
We’re such an enthralling couple that Vanity Fair even did an article about us a couple of years ago. Maybe you saw the pictures. My little Mata Hari looks so glamorous – straight out of a 40’s movie. What a babe! And frankly, I though I looked pretty spectacular, too. When you hear the word “ambassador” cool isn’t the first thing that comes to mind, but I’m different.
Now, you might be wondering why I’m writing to you. Well, it’s about my wife’s blown cover. They’re saying I leaked it to a reporter in some roundabout way, but I know it was Karl Rove. So can you tell me why Bush hasn’t put him in jail?
I’d like to be able to say I don’t know why, but I do. Bush will never jail Rove, no matter how many operatives he betrays, because he relies on him to keep him looking presidential. Without Karl Rove, he’d be exposed for the empty suit he is. Everyone knows Republicans are brain-dead. They have no ideas, can’t govern and every time two of them get together you lose another freedom. Not that I’m a partisan. Anyway, Republican and Democrat are only labels. I’m an independent. I’m motivated solely by the desire to assure that the people who work so hard to protect this country can do so without having to worry that some political hack is going to come along and blow their cover.
But now some people are calling me a liar. In addition to saying I blew my own dear wife’s cover, they’ve accused me of lying about some official business I took care of – something about yellowcake uranium, whether Saddam Somebody tried to buy it or wanted to buy it or something - frankly, I don’t remember because it wasn’t where my focus was at the time. Former ambassadors married to spies don’t worry about things with silly names like “yellowcake”.
How can I get people to understand that even if I blew it on yellowcake, I could never be wrong about anything as important as who ratted out my wife?
It is certainly reassuring to know that people of your and your (totally anonymous) wife’s caliber are willing to place themselves in perilous circumstances to serve our country. It’s not as if she’d just been a desk jockey at Langley for the past five or six years or anything.
I’m not sure exactly what your little spy’s blown cover was, but from what you say I gather she wasn’t playing favorite floozy to the Maximum Leader of Iraq. So she must have been working as secretary to the chief of his secret service, no? Then surely she must have been chairman, I mean chairperson, of the nuclear physics department at Baghdad U., or perhaps she was busy throwing monkey wrenches into their Expunge Manhattan Project while pretending to direct it?
No? None of the above?
Oh, I get it. The carefully contrived cover story that she was the wife of a career civil servant who somehow wound up as acting ambassador to one of the nastier rogue countries on the planet was actually her cover. An ambassador’s wife! Who’d ever suspect? And to maintain that cover right through a tell-all best seller (by none other than the ambassador) and a spread in Vanity Fair complete with pictures – virtuoso misdirection.
You must be using the same clever concealment technique to disguise your lack of political bias. Only a halfwit could even suspect you of anything other than the most vicious partisanship. What a smoke screen. Your rigorous neutrality toward that incarnation of evil who stole two elections, “lied” (with a little help from a certain former ambassador) about WMD’s, plunged the country into a desert quagmire over oil, and wants to guarantee Grandma a pauperized old age, is safely concealed under its burka of political indifference.
Have you considered the possibility that Karl Rove isn’t in jail because he hasn’t broken any laws? While shocking, the fact is that Republicans sometimes don’t break the law.
Don’t fret about being called a liar. After all, it never fazed the boy from Hope. Besides, it’s only a label.
Good luck and God bless.