What’s a guy to do? Try as I have to take a stand against the world’s nastiest people, I just can’t get an indignant reaction in return. You’d think that I could irritate them to a sufficient level to generate at least an angry aside – a mere footnote to a mention in dispatches would do nicely. But John Bolton? The guy is a dictatorial name calling electromagnet. I mean, Bolton generates more vitriol just by showing up at Turtle Bay, than Attila the Hun would if he stormed into the UN General Assembly (an event which, particularly if Attila was armed, upset over not getting his cut of the Oil-for-Food scam, and accompanied by his Angry Hordes, would be desirable in the extreme. But I digress.) I’ve given this a lot of study and a lot of thought and can come to only one conclusion: It’s gotta be the moustache.
For years I’ve accused Kim Jong Il of being an evil dictator. I even wrote a book on the subject. What do I get in return? Butkus. But Bolton? He makes a couple of cracks about how Kim is the world’s worst human rights violator, a threat to the peace of the region, and look what happens. He gets called – personally by the Dear Leader himself – “human scum.” Is that cool, or what? It’s gotta be the moustache. The best Kim can do is run around with his fright wig hairdo. No way could he compete with that incredible ‘stache.
It gets worse. I said publicly that Hugo Chavez, dictator-in-training of Venezuela, was a Castro stooge. I noted that Chavez was turning into a hemispheric human rights violator, was acquiring Russian made small arms to equip the narco-guerrillas in Colombia, and was looking to buy North Korean missiles to threaten everyone else. You’d think that would get at least a burp out of Fidel wouldn’t you? Best criticism I got was a couple of nasty inferences by some third-rate Venezuelan regime stooge. But Bolton? He gets called a ‘gangster’ – personally by the Maximum Leader. Now Fidel’s got the beard and such, so he’s got Kim Jong Il beat all over with that. But check it out, Sportsfans – Castro’s facial hair doesn’t have the strobe light effect that Ambassador Bolton brings to the party. No way, Jose. Prima facia evidence that it’s gotta be the moustache!
Sadly, I think things are only going to get better and better for Bolton. After all, previously he was somewhat distant from the world’s most dysfunctional leaders and regimes (assuming, of course, that one discounts Ted Kennedy, Joe Biden, Dick Durbin, and most of the State Department). Repressive regimes had to dig out his statements, translate them, feed them to the respective tyrant, and reverse the process to publish the glorious dictator’s disparaging comments. Now, Bolton, the lucky dog, has compressed all those steps into one glorious firestorm. Bolton has been tossed right into the middle of the world’s biggest rat’s nest of corruption, immorality, fraud, sexual abuse, ineptitude, and outright theft. There will be endless public opportunities for him to tell the truth about UN ‘peacekeepers’ who spend time sexually abusing underage children while innocents die. He can request audits of so many fraudulent UN programs that blithely skim money from US taxpayers that the UN will need a staff of accountants to monitor them. He can eviscerate phony human rights abuses like those aimed at Israel and America while forcing focus on the real horrors of North Korea, Cuba, Rwanda, Sudan, and a score of others.
His staff is going to have to add memory chips to the office computers to keep up with all the names he’ll get called from here on out! Meanwhile, down here in the trenches – moustache-less – we soldier on, overlooked and ignored by the bad guys and counting on John to carry our load. (There is, by the way, no truth to the rumor that when he carried his credentials in to present to Kofi Annan the other day that he had a chain saw in his other hand.)
It’s just gotta be that damn moustache!