Dear Aunt Sophie,
I am an incredibly famous humanitarian/singer/activist/actor/world citizen/producer/black man. I include the final category only because for most people that is what defines me, despite my achievements in all those other fields. I know this is true, so don’t try to tell me otherwise.
Recently I spoke at a civil rights march and, as usual, I upset some people, especially reactionaries, Jews and other white people. Eventually I retracted some of what I’d said because, strictly speaking, it wasn’t true. I got the idea out of a book but I hadn’t figured on anybody else reading that book. Well, I was wrong - some people had. It had to do with Jews in the German military. A few of them had attained high rank, so I felt perfectly free to refer to them as having been high up in Hitler’s regime.
If you’ll just try to follow my logic for a minute I think you’ll understand. Let’s say you’re a general in the army. Your country is at war, so the army is very important. You’re Jewish. The army is being used to kill Jews. So there you are, a Jew, high up in an important institution in a regime that’s killing your fellow Jews. It’s as clear as a mountain stream.
But I guess because of the way I expressed myself people thought I meant to say Jews had been particular friends of Hitler. Or maybe they thought I meant Eva Braun was Jewish. I don’t know what they thought. Actually, some people have said they think Hitler may have had Jewish blood. If that’s true, then there certainly was at least one Jew high up in the Nazi regime, wasn’t there?
Anyway, to stop the screaming I simply said I knew there weren’t any Jews high up in Hitler’s hierarchy. I said I wished I’d structured the sentence better. The fact is Jews did have a role, some did anyway, in the demise and brutal treatment of Jewish people. It wasn’t common, but these things do happen, and people are not exempt from the consequences of their behavior.
Actually, this whole brouhaha was unfortunate because it got me off-message. I assumed people would understand the point I was making – that if Hitler could have Jews working for him in high places and Bush has blacks working for him in high places then Bush = Hitler. Clear as glass, but probably too subtle for most folks.
This whole thing with Jews is distressing to me. I would never denigrate - I mean disparage - them. I admire Jews. To suggest that I’m anti-Semitic is utterly ridiculous. My wife is Jewish and she is my best friend.
Please tell me how to correct this unfortunate misunderstanding with my favorite people in the whole universe.
What a shame that people have to have everything explained these days. It’s enough to make you wonder what’s going on in the public schools.
Any reasonably educated person should be able to understand that when some aging portrait of an unreconstructed Leftie says there were Jews high up in Hitler’s regime he actually means George Bush is the reincarnation of Hitler. It’s as clear as chicken soup.
People just aren’t being taught how to reason. Let’s say, for example, that due to various inefficiencies, insufficiencies and obfuscations presided over by the Justice Department and assorted intelligence agencies, the President of the United States comes to believe that a certain nasty, corrupt, delusional Middle-eastern tyrant known to have used poison gas on his own citizens and their dogs is getting ready to practice the same amusements on non-citizens as well. The President has, or course, absolutely no reason to imagine that anyone intends harm to the United States, since the collapse of two huge buildings in downtown New York has been proven beyond the shadow of a doubt to have been a Zionist plot, if not a complete figment of the imagination. Further, history has shown that accommodation and appeasement, when flung forcefully into the teeth of a would-be aggressor, will always prevail.
Given these facts, what thoughtful person would not conclude that George W. Bush is not only the face of evil in our time, but also provided the inspiration for Mein Kampf during a previous incarnation?
It’s heartening to know you finally found a wife you could call your best friend. But if you want people to stop wondering whether you are now or have ever been anti-Semitic, you’ll have to do more than sing “Hava Nagila” at weddings and bar mitzvahs. You might also practice “God Bless America” in case you ever get around to thanking your fellow (white) Americans for making you a very rich man.
Good luck and God bless.