The Nobel Prize Committee advises that while it has already made its decisions in most fields it is still considering nominations for the Peace Prize. The deadline is one week from today. If you haven’t already been nominated, take this test to see whether you should nominate yourself (yes, it’s allowed).
Circle the number of any statement that applies to you or reflects your viewpoint. Then follow the instructions at the bottom of the page.
1. I truly believe that peace would break out tomorrow if the United States were to cease to exist. Ditto Israel.
2. I am a highly principled président. I made sure mon pais would not aid the warmongering États Unis in Iraq because it was all about le pétrol. I do not seek this prix, but I will accept it when they offer it to moi.
3. War is hell, figuratively speaking, of course. I don’t believe in hell. Don’t much believe in heaven, either.
4. I’m a famous Hollywood actress and I really believe in peace.
5. America hasn’t stopped killing since the first Americans set foot on the planet.
6. Republicans are morons.
7. My mother always told me that someday the name “Abu Ghraib” would be a blot on our country.
8. I am a former president from Georgia. I would kiss Arafat’s dead a** if I thought I could get this prize again. Please.
9. Peace is what you make it. Just ask Mr. Mubarak.
10. I directed an award-winning documentary about 9-11. They said it was full of lies, innuendos and half-truths, but it wasn’t, not really. I stole the title from Ray Bradbury. He didn’t mind.
11. I was a human shield in Iraq.
12. I preside over a world body with headquarters in New York that does nothing but tirelessly promote peace. So what if we have a little scandal once in a while. You aren’t so pure yourselves.
13. Why can’t I get a good job? I wear my peace symbol everywhere.
14. Everybody knows Sami al-Arian is being persecuted for raising money for orphans and widows, pure and simple. It’s because the Bush administration wants to kill orphans and widows.
15. I am a former president from Arkansas. The Peace Prize sure would do wonders for my speaking fees.
16. I’m the one who makes sure Cindy Sheehan always has a clean tee shirt.
17. Who was Chamberlain?
18. The taste for war is cultivated on America’s playgrounds. I know because I have a PhD. in education.
19. Wars would be avoided if everybody rode bicycles.
20. I’m a famous Hollywood actor/director/journalist. If I don’t get this prize for Peace, I’ll get it for Literature. I only look dumb.
21. There is no terrorist but George W. Bush and Karl Rove is his prophet.
22. “Weapons of mass destruction” was just another excuse for Bush to put working class children in harm’s way where they could be exterminated so their rich oppressors could have more gas for their SUV’s.
23. Bush is a terrorist. He is not a freedom fighter.
24. I have a master of arts in peace studies from the Kroc Institute. Why is it that the only job I can get is flipping hamburgers in Mac Donald’s?
25. Islam is the true religion of peace. If you think it’s violent you have the mindset of an infidel.
26. Neo-cons run the world. They also control Hollywood. And they make matzos with human blood.
27. No matter what anybody tells you, the prisoners at Gitmo are being forced to eat dog food. I know because my sister’s boyfriend’s step-brother’s mother-in-law saw them taking it out of the cans.
28. I have never met George Soros and I do not know who he is, but I know I agree with him.
29. The Iraqis were better off under Saddam. It’s always good to know exactly where you stand, even if it’s next to a shredder.
30. They say it’s an all-volunteer army, but people really “enlist” because the only jobs they can find are MacJobs. That’s because Enron took away all the good jobs from other companies and then Cheney downsized so that people would have nowhere to go but Iraq.
31. On 9-11 B’nai Brith told Jews not to go to work that day, so no Jew went to work anywhere in the country. That’s a fact.
32. Al Franken is my favorite philosopher.
33. I am Cindy Sheehan.
If you circled more than 10 statements you may submit a 250-word essay explaining why you should receive the Nobel Peace Prize. Phonetic spelling and imaginative syntax will not count against you, but you should have someone check it for appropriateness of vocabulary (see New York Times style book). Winner will be notified by late-night phone call.