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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Dear Aunt Sophie,

I’ve been in Congress for more years than I can remember. Someday when I finally decide to leave here I’m going to have a great pension. You, on the other hand, will have had the undeserved pleasure of sitting there watching me represent you. I don’t know why I’m writing to you except to rub your face in the fact that you have absolutely nothing to offer me but your tax dollars. I’m certainly not looking for your advice. I don’t know what makes white people think they have anything to offer me unless it’s their tax dollars or their votes.

Do you think that was a racist remark? Good. Now you know how it feels. This entire country is racist, starting at the top. Your president – and I say your president because he certainly isn’t my president – is the Bull Connor of this generation. Oh, I know you’re going to write some drivel about how he never turned any dogs loose on little black girls as they tried to go to school, but the fact is he hates black people. Any idiot can tell.


Just look at New Orleans. The reason that city was such a mess is that Bush never once tried to do anything to help those people out of their poverty. He was content just to let them stew in it. And stew they did until the levee was blown up and those poor people were trapped in their houses because your president was too busy calculating his oil profits to get them out. You don’t need fire hoses and police dogs to kill people. All you need is one good hurricane. Shazzam! A flood that only kills black people. The perfect storm.


He’s been doing the same thing with this war. He’s killing black people for what? – for oil. He sends young black men and women to fight for oil while their parents have to pay more for a gallon of gas than they can earn for a day’s work – it’s exactly like the old company store. It’s an outrageous policy directed solely at black people. It’s just like the Holocaust.


Now that I think about it, Bush is much worse than Bull Connor. He’s more like Hitler. But I suppose I should be praying for him because if anything happens to him, Goebbels - I mean Cheney - will take over and frankly I don’t think he’s awake enough to know what’s going on. I would like to believe he's sick rather than just mean and evil. He's got heart disease but it’s not restricted to that part of his body. He grunts a lot so you never really know what he's thinking, but you can guess – this war is his baby. Without it, Halliburton wouldn’t be getting all those fat contracts.


Don’t try to pretend otherwise. You know I’m right.




Dear Charlie,


Oh, come on, let’s play “pretend”. Let’s pretend that our president, instead of just rolling over and pulling the comforter up under his chin on August 30, flew to New Orleans, commandeered one of the hundreds of boats thoughtfully provided by the City that Care Forgot and rowed door to door pulling grateful victims out of their attics, ferrying them to the safety of Air Force One. From there he brought them to Crawford, Texas, where they were served beignets by Cindy Sheehan who, as everyone knows, went there to help her less fortunate fellow Americans. (Come to think of it – was that Dr. Howard Dean, MD we saw volunteering his medical expertise alongside Dr. Bill Frist?)


OK, I did say pretend. We all know it didn’t happen that way. Instead, as the Simon Legree of the Internet Age watched the perfect storm scenario unfold, he twirled his moustache, cracked his whip a few times and ate a pretzel. Then he ordered his outwardly black Secretary of State to reject any offer of help from abroad that might conceivably find its way into African-American hands.


At the same time, with the connivance of Donald Rumsfeld, he had a hologram of himself projected into the flood zone so he could appear to care about the people while not actually having to touch any of them (memo to Alberto Gonzales – appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the President’s unauthorized use of hologram technology).


Any moron can see that this president is far too clever to resort to the use of fire hoses or German Shepherds. Instead he relies on Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and the Boys from Brazil. (Who do you think made sure no black people voted anywhere in the United States in the 2000 and 2004 elections?)


Bulldogs? Bullwhips? Bullfeathers. Enjoy your pension, Charlie, the sooner the better.


Good luck and God bless.

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Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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