Dear Aunt Sophie,
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry over what they’ve been writing about me recently. Is she or isn’t she? Is she turning right or is she still the same old (old - how I hate that word – when I’m president I’m going to abolish it by executive order) busybody who wants to run your life right down to telling you which urologist to see? How can anyone even ask that question? It just shows how superficially I’m understood.
The truth is I don’t care who inspects your f***ing plumbing. All I want (and it is a modest goal for someone of my sweeping vision) is complete equality in this country for everyone who isn’t president. If that means some people have to give up something, well, if you want to make an omelet you have to break eggs. (In case you’re wondering, that’s not original with me. I forget who said it, but I read it when I was sixteen and I still think it’s profound.)
But this is neither here nor there. I hope you’re enjoying all the indictments and investigations of your right-wing buddies as much as I am. I always knew they were more corrupt than my f***ing husband and our friends, but just try to get people to see it, what with the press running interference for Bush every time you turn around.
Do you have any idea how distracting it is when everyone around you is being deposed every other day? It’s the biggest f***ing drag you can imagine. Well, now your pals are the ones being tied in knots. What naches I’m having! (That’s Jewish for enjoyment. I love my Jews even in non-election years. You did know my grandmother’s second husband’s uncle’s cousin’s father-in-law was Jewish, didn’t you?)
All right - as I was saying – the indictments. Can someone please tell me how that p***k Delay managed that happy-as-a-pig-in-s**t smile in his mug shot? When I look back at pictures of me taken at bad moments you can always see how p***ed off I am even if I am smiling. This SOB actually looks pleased with himself! Not that anybody really expects him to go to jail. Everybody knows exactly what this is all about. But in the meantime, he’s hamstrung, isn’t he? And now this business with Jack Abramoff - wait – I have to stop - I’m laughing so hard I can’t see.
Now that the indictments are rolling in my life is way more fun. And let me tell you, my life has been a lot of fun since I left the White House. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Sure, the china and the body guards were nice but I still have them, and now I don’t have to live with him. How would you like your identity to depend on being some man’s appendage - especially when his real appendage keeps getting in the news?
But even with all this great stuff going on in my life, there is one thing that still bothers me. Can you think of a way to indict Laura Bush?
I realize that someone who’s had as many close calls with grand juries as you have might be desirous of indicting someone – anyone - else, but I doubt that Mrs. Bush’s indictment index even remotely approaches that of a ham sandwich.
On second thought, there might be a way, but you’ll have to be patient. First, you’d have to get elected. Once you became Ms. POTUS the political marauders swept into office on your skirttails would stampede us into the World Court where the first order of business would be to indict GWB as a war criminal. He would, of course, be tried the same day and found guilty of crimes exceeding the combined atrocities of Nixon, Hitler, Stalin, Caligula and Nero. Then, as soon as he was carted off to a lifetime of solitary confinement in la Nouvelle Bastille (assuming the court didn’t authorize the one-time use of the death penalty), you could probably convince someone to indict Miz Laura for having consorted with a known war criminal.
If that scenario strikes you as unlikely, perhaps you can find a prosecutor willing to indict her for lacking the gumption to use her marriage to the most powerful man in the world to propel her into the political stratosphere. Barring that, your only recourse would be to prosecute her for reading to little children in Texan.
As for the picture, next time you have your mug shot taken, try to recall a time when you were completely blissed out, like when you were giggling over the shredders at midnight with three of your dearest friends or dismantling the White House travel office. If you can keep the memory of any crimes from flitting through your mind for that brief instant while you say cheese perhaps you could lose that mean-little-dog expression.
Good luck and God bless.
PS - By the way, who did hire Craig Livingstone?
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