Dear Aunt Sophie,
I’m on a committee that must decide either for or against a Supreme Court nominee. You probably don’t realize it, but this is a huge responsibility. Only someone with a profound respect for the Constitution can be trusted with this job.
Why don’t more people respect the Constitution? It has some great things in it. For one thing, it guarantees a woman’s right to choose. I happen to think this is very important because otherwise a lot of men would be in manure up to their eyebrows - especially married men. Of course, the Constitution doesn’t solve the problem of these sentimental bimbos who decide to keep their babies after they get knocked up. All of a sudden they can’t have an abortion because they’re Catholics, even though it was OK to have the affair in the first place. There ought to be a law that would make them choose abortion if the man wants it. That would be fair....
Anyway, to get back to the Supreme Court, I’m being asked to give my seal of approval to this Judge, Alioto, I think. The man is a racist misogynist. We know this because after he graduated from Princeton he belonged to a society that was trying to keep women and blacks from being accepted there. No need to look it up – it’s a fact.
Of course he says he was only against lowering the admission standards, but when someone starts complaining about low standards it’s just another way of saying he thinks minorities and women don’t belong. It’s a despicable attitude.
And then he has the nerve to say he doesn’t recall who wrote what in the vile little journal they published, but I happen to know he remembers it all. These grinds always remember everything. How else would they get the grades? They never have to pay someone else to take their exams for them. I hate these people. They make the rest of us feel inferior. That was why we had a club in my college called the Owls. We all made each other feel so great after a hard day of looking like idiots in relation to the Alitos of the world. And you better believe I will never forget my Owls. In fact, they’re just about the only thing I remember from my whole time in college.
In any case, if this Alito gets confirmed we can all kiss our way of life goodbye. People will be sent to Guantanamo for having sex on the beach - it’ll be the Inquisition all over again. I don’t want to leave a world like that to my nephews.
So you can see how important it is to keep this self-righteous prig off the Court. And he’s young! He’ll outlive me!
What’s a loving uncle to do?
I’m surprised you can remember anything at all from your college days. I’d always assumed you suffered from some form of puberty-onset dementia – how else to explain a guy from Hyannis who can’t remember the way to Edgartown and winds up in a lake instead?
I guess I can see why you’d want to be sure a woman always has the right to choose, at least in certain circumstances. And you’re right - the words “right to choose” are plainly in the Constitution: “Right to” occurs in the title of the 2nd Amendment and “choose” is 197 words into the 12th.
But putting aside my absolute Constitutional right to dispose of the evidence in the remote likelihood that you and I ever meet on a table at Au Bar, I must confess that many things about this Alito fellow disturb me, too.
For example, did you know there are no blacks in his family? I find it positively shocking that in this day and age a man who allows himself to be considered for the highest court in the land has the poor judgment to be born into such a bigoted family. Failing a written promise that he and his wife will adopt a baby of color within the first 30 days of his term, he should definitely be barred.
Also, the possibility that he may have shaken hands with Dick Cheney creates at least the appearance of impropriety. He must be made to recuse himself from any and all cases involving Halliburton, energy companies, manufacturers of products that consume energy, and people who drive automobiles.
Forgetting for the moment the judge’s congenital racial prejudice and corrupt business ethics, nothing could be as horrifying to me as the possibility of confirming a man who may have eaten dinner in the same restaurant where Pat Robertson once ate. That would be tantamount to confirming someone whose father was a Nazi sympathizer. (Oops, sorry, I didn’t mean to drag that skeleton out of your family closet.)
Having Constitutional watchdogs like you on the Senate Judiciary Committee is every bit as reassuring as having China on the UN Human Rights Committee.
Now that I think about it, there is only one compelling reason to vote for this judge: his name makes a rotten verb. “We Alito’d him” doesn’t have the same je ne sais quoi as “We Borked him.” But I suppose a case could be made for welcoming both verbs into the language due to a subtle difference in their meanings – to Alito someone would have the additional meaning of driving the candidate’s wife out of the chamber in tears.
Just as “to Teddy” someone would have the meaning of driving her off a bridge and into a lake.
Good luck and God bless.
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