Dear Aunt Sophie,
I want you to tell the world that I did not like it when your president called my country a part of the Axis of Evil. I object to name-calling and threats. If he does not take back that remark I will bomb your country, once we have obtained the means to do so (which we are not trying to do at this time, because I am a man of peace.)
We are using our nuclear facilities only for peaceful purposes. Unlike you, we do not wish to pollute to make electricity. Pollution is immoral. It is something done only by infidels. The rumor that we are trying to build a nuclear bomb is heard often these days, but it is false. You are the only ones who have ever used this bomb, and because of this it is immoral. Anything in the hands of an infidel is immoral, even a piece of bread.
There is something else that is bothering me, and I will put it all into this letter, because I may kill you before I have a chance to write again. I do not like it when people say I rant. I do not rant. Everything I say is true. Take the matter of what you call the Holocaust. Soon my country will sponsor a conference to decide whether this so-called Holocaust took place. Their decision will be the final word. The world must keep an open mind. If this event had really happened, there would have been no sons of pigs and monkeys who could have settled in the Zionist entity after the war. As everyone knows, there was not a single one of them there before. They came after this so-called Holocaust, which means they were alive, which proves there was no Holocaust.
The infidels are very subtle. They created the Zionist entity so the Jews would all go to one place where they could later be killed with one bomb. But now they do not drop that bomb. They are hoping I will do it for them and if I ever make a bomb I will do it, inshalla. That will be a great day for Islam, because then the whole world will see why Muslims are destined to rule the world.
My demands are modest. First, people must stop calling me an anti-Semite. Then, these annoying UN inspectors must leave my country. They impede our peaceful work. You must also explain to the women of America that they will be better off if they take the hijab now while they can still do so without a beating. And every last Jew must leave the Middle East. They can go back to Europe. These are modest demands, and I expect you to make them known. If you do so I may not kill you.
Also, please tell me – why do people say I rant?
Mahmoud the Reasonable
You -- rant? How unkind of anyone to characterize a benevolent head of state that way, especially one who expresses himself with equanimity and moderation, not to say charm.
Being labeled an anti-Semite must really sting. It should be apparent to anyone who isn’t some sort of extremist that you are a supremely reasonable man who will do anything to spare the Jews yet another disaster, even though they have never experienced a disaster, at least not in the twentieth century, and not in Europe, and certainly not one that resulted in more than a handful of deaths, if indeed one can properly speak of such people as having been alive in the first place.
Actually, it’s surprising that you haven’t become anti-Semitic, considering that the Jews who worked on the Manhattan Project were too uncaring to overnight you a copy of the plans when they finished. Now you’re stuck fending off those meddlers from the Turtle Bay Epicurean Society while you struggle to reinvent the wheel in secret with the whole world watching. Don’t worry about the United Nebbishes, though. The truth is they would rather eat Big Macs than find actual evidence of your WMD program. Be nice to them and they will cheerfully accept the explanation that you needed those aluminum tubes to produce more radium for your watch dials.
As for the hijab, you may not realize this, but American women yearn for it. They’ve been waiting for you to liberate them from their oppressive hairdressers. If you can round up all the beauticians and stash them wherever you stashed the six million Hitler didn’t kill, you will see a stampede to cover up. Until then, you’ll just have to endure the shampoo commercials along with the rest of us.
For now, don’t be overly concerned with what other people think of you. It’s only a matter of time until Michael Moore shows up to burnish your image.
Good luck and God bless.