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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Dear Aunt Sophie,

I’m a Congresswoman. I’ll bet you’re thinking I’m some lightweight state Congresswoman, but I’m not. I’m in Washington, D.C.  People are always putting me down but that isn’t going to happen any more.


The other day I was assaulted on the way to work. By a policeman. Now, that’s not unusual because in addition to being a U.S. Congresswoman, I’m an African-American, and as you know, we get assaulted all the time by the police. But that’s about to change.


The dumb bigot thought he could lay hands on me and then use the excuse that he didn’t recognize me, like you know, we all look alike…He claimed I wasn’t wearing my Congresswoman’s lapel pin, which happens to be true, but it doesn’t matter. All he had to do was look at my face and remember it. I can’t begin to tell you how offended I was. Oh, he’ll claim he didn’t recognize me, because I recently changed my hairdo, but that isn’t going to fly, either. You look at people’s faces not their hairdos. If you’re being respectful, that is. This whole thing is really about respect.


And then, after not recognizing me, he laid hands on me. Who does he think he is, anyway? Just because he’s a cop doesn’t give him the right to touch anyone.


So, of course, I hit him.


He had it coming, but have they punished him? Are you kidding?


He says I assaulted him, which is a lie. I hit him in self-defense. Every woman knows what’s going to happen when a cop stops her at a checkpoint. I knew what was in store for me, and I defended myself. The only thing I’m guilty of is being in Congress while black. And they’re talking about charging me with assault? Not on your life! I’m going to see to it that he never gets to do this to another woman. I’m going to sponsor a bill that would make it a felony for a cop not to recognize a black Congresswoman.


I did “apologize” because some people still can’t stand the idea of a black woman bringing down the white man, but believe me, it isn’t over. This sort of thing is going to stop.




Dear Slugger,


If you didn’t have such an unassuming nature, one might imagine you think some laws shouldn’t apply to you, like the trivialities governing parking, speed limits, red lights, and smiting members of the constabulary. What’s admirable is that although you probably could do so, you’re not claiming any special privileges just because you’re in Congress, aside from the free haircuts, free postage, free vacations, a lavish pension, and awesome health insurance.


Considering the perils the typical African-American congresswoman must overcome every day on her way to work, it’s a miracle anybody wants the job. I hope your medical plan covers Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.


If all women had your courage, a lot more sexual predators would be in jail. But why did you immediately resort to violence? Why didn’t you call the UN first?


I hope you won’t draw the line at forcing your tormentor into face recognition classes, though. He abused you in a way Uday and Qusay could never have dreamed of. You have the right, no the duty, to stand up for all black U.S. congresswomen. I only hope you’re willing to do whatever it takes. It will be hard. You’ll have to testify with a straight face.


At the very least, this viper should be charged with ogling a congresswoman below the neck, addressing a congresswoman with intent to impinge on her consciousness, stalking a congresswoman who obviously does not want to be inconvenienced, touching the person of a congresswoman with intent to impede her forward motion, and attempting to detain a congresswoman without saying “may I?”.


And let’s not forget the rape.


You go, girl!


Good luck and God bless.


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Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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