Dear Aunt Sophie,
I’ve just experienced the most exciting event of my life and I’m determined to savor every moment of it. I was elected First Woman Speaker of the House. It’s everything I always dreamed it would be except that some mean-spirited people are trying to diminish my enjoyment.
Recently, one of those right-wing web sites reported that I’d said there were no al-Qaeda in Iraq. They were trying to make me look delusional. Well, let me set the record straight: I am commonsensical to a fault – otherwise how could I have been elected by the most rational constituency in the nation?
Of course al-Qaeda must be in Iraq. They’re everyplace else, so why wouldn’t they be there? There are probably even some in San Francisco, but that doesn’t give Bush the right to declare war on California, does it?
I don’t know why I haven’t become accustomed to this sort of ugly partisanship. It’s nothing new. The Right has always tried to make me look like some wild-eyed West Coast liberal. But I have east-coast, working-class values. That was the main reason for my victory tour - to remind people of my roots. See - that’s another thing – it’s OK for me to think of it as a victory tour, but how dare anyone in the press call it that?! I simply went home to my roots - that’s how that trip was supposed to have been covered.
And look what they tried to make of my inaugural festivities. I don’t think four days of celebration was too much. It was really quite moderate, just like me. This was a landmark event in this country. Do you realize I’m just two heartbeats away from becoming the First Woman President of the United States? That makes me the most powerful woman in the most powerful country on the planet (not that I think we should throw our weight around) and I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying myself while I’m doing the people’s work.
We have a terrific agenda. First we’re going to have a symbolic vote on Bush’s war. When you’re dealing with anything as significant as a war symbolism is extremely important. Then we’re going to undo some of the awful things Bush inflicted on the country when he thought people weren’t paying attention. We have to get the economy back on track, so we’re going to be looking at revenue enhancement. And we’ll raise the minimum wage. And this time we are really going to do something about health care - I’ve already banned smoking in the Speaker’s Lobby and I’m going to be analyzing what they serve in the dining rooms, too. Congress should set the example.
Speaking of dining rooms, I’m getting the most gorgeous drapes for my new office.
I can’t tell you how excited I am! At last I have a chance to make a real difference in the lives of ordinary Americans. Isn’t it wonderful? Oh, I’m just so excited!
How exhilerating it is to learn that the mightiest woman in the universe understands the power of symbolism. None of the great accomplishments brought about by symbolic votes - an end to slavery in the free world, the defeat of the Third Reich, man’s first walk on the moon, the fall of the Berlin Wall – begin to compare with the blessings this vote will call down upon the nation. I pray that you’ll take equally meaningful votes on health care, illegal immigration and tax increa – um, revenue enhancement.
Getting caught making dumb pronouncements on serious matters like al-Qaeda should never cause embarrassment. It gives you an opportunity to call a news conference in which you can explain that you never said what was reported, but only something like it, which was obviously both taken out of context and misquoted, because if you’d been quoted accurately anyone with the IQ of a toenail could see that it was just a joke that misfired, and by the way, why don’t the Republicans do something about Darfur?
Your concern for the health of your fellow congressmembers is touching. Once you’ve effected some wholesome dietary changes you should look into installing body-fat monitors in the cloakrooms. And don’t forget to renew the contract with the condom vendor.
Petty people shouldn’t be allowed to tarnish your triumph. Four days of celebrating was, if anything, insufficient to underscore the momentousness of a woman’s ascension to the position of Not-Quite President. If I were you I wouldn’t fantasize too much about getting promoted to FWPOTUS, though. Another woman has had that staked out for herself since before you tried on your first prom dress.
By all means have a blast while improving the lives of your manicurist, your plastic surgeon and your interior decorator. But watch your back.
Good luck and God bless.
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