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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Friday, September 04, 2009

Dear Aunt Sophie,


I’m appalled at the behavior of some of you people. I went to the trouble of having one of those stupid town meetings and people turned out not to listen to me but to shout at me. Shout. At me! I have never been so disgusted in my life. I’m simply not used to this lack of civility. I am a US Congressman and I will be treated with the respect commensurate with my office.


And I hold you responsible, Aunt Sophie. You and your extremist mob. I don’t know what makes you think you can hijack this debate.


Trying to discuss anything with you people is like arguing with the dining room table. Has anyone ever told you how stupid you are? No? Well it’s about time someone did. Contrary to right wing superstition health care is good. Everyone needs it. Even you. So how can you people argue that we’re trying to do something bad? You know you’re lying. Raising your voice doesn’t give you the high ground.


In case you didn’t know, in a debate each side – each side – presents its arguments. But every time I try to present my point of view people shout me down. Now I ask you – is that a debate? No it is not. It’s rabble-rousing. And I won’t have it!


That’s why it’s so unproductive to try to speak to people. When you see them face to face they think they can say what’s on their minds. Just whatever pops into their little pea brains. The self-esteem thing has gone way too far. You tell people you are going to do what’s best for them and what do they do? They interrupt. They think they know better. How can they learn if they don’t shut up?


I would love to know how you get so many people to show up at these meetings. I was sure we had the monopoly on organizing. Well, I guess I can’t be right all the time.


I’m going to simplify this health care bill for you because I can tell it’s too complicated for anyone with your level of intellect. Now pay attention.


Here’s how it works: You have freedom of choice. You can keep your own health care. You can keep your own doctor. You can keep doing exactly whatever stupid little thing you’ve been doing until it’s found to be not up to standard. Then the government will step in to help you. You wouldn’t want health care that wasn’t up to standard, would you? I didn’t think so. Not even you are that stupid. So if your health care isn’t up to standard the government will save you. Our choice will be your safety net. How stupid do you have to be to be against that?


I think it’s time for you to stop shouting, Aunt Sophie, and do your patriotic duty. You need to tell people the truth about health care. Stop the slander!


Frankly Disgusted


Dear Frankly,


Thank God (or Whomever) – for plain-spoken Congressmen. All this caterwauling about choice, freedom and limited government is just flim-flam to confuse the gullible. Now that you’ve clearly explained how the public option would work I’ll do my patriotic duty and reconsider my assumptions about the role of government in my life.


For example, I’d always assumed that deciding the family’s diet was my business. How small-minded of me. If womyn didn’t have to knock themselves out day after day planning their transfat-free, no-sodium, vegan, recession-friendly, eco-sensitive, locally grown menus they’d have a lot more time for community organizing.


For years my silly distrust of big government has blinded me to the obvious – Uncle Sam should be telling me what to cook. It wouldn’t cost the taxpayer a penny – the menus could come in the same envelope with the family’s Health and Human Services Weekly Lifestyle Amelioration Rating.


Come to think of it, perhaps Uncle should also be finding mates for darling little Fannie and Freddy, who will waste far too many classroom hours engaged in various forms of gender experimentation - time that could be more profitably spent on terrorist bonding exercises. (Who better than a loving Uncle to assign a life mate for every little boy and girl? More advanced societies than ours have done it that way for centuries. Why shouldn’t we learn from them?) Early assignment would take a great deal of pressure off the health care system, too, by reducing the number of STD’s.


You’re right, Frankly - we need to stop shouting and visualize a stress-free universe in which Uncle has relieved us of the burden of decision-making. 


As for the rancor you find so distressing, perhaps you can work something into the final version of the bill that would encourage people to channel their aggressions constructively, say, a doctor-supervised Two Minutes Hate.


Good luck and God bless.

Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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