Dear Aunt Sophie,
Thank God for Kim Jong-Il! It’s so important to have good people watching your back when you’re in a position like mine. I’m Speaker of the House – the first woman Speaker, I might add. It’s a great job - fantastic perks - but someone’s always gunning for you.
Like what just happened a couple of weeks ago when I made a comment about how the CIA lied to me. Never mind whether it’s true - the point is I’d been accused of lying to Congress about what I knew of Bush’s use of torture. So ,I did what anyone would do under the circumstances – I said the CIA had lied to me.
That should have been the end of it, but just when our inquiries into George W. de Sade’s policies were getting traction someone pointed out that I’d been briefed and had agreed to them. Of course, that’s not the way it was. There was a briefing, but it wasn’t really a briefing, it was more of a conversation and anyway I wasn’t there, or at least I didn’t think I was there, or I didn’t seem to be there, but apparently I was. For the life of me, I don’t know how it happened.
But even if I was there, I know I would never have agreed to torture. I only agreed to the use of enhanced techniques. Enhancement is a good thing. I’ve had enhancements and they’ve been nothing but good. Why would it occur to me that when they said “enhancement” they really meant torture? So, I put it out of my mind. Just pretty much forgot about the whole thing. It wasn’t real to me. Besides, I never thought they’d actually do it to anyone.
I don’t know if you can appreciate my position. As the first woman Speaker I couldn’t let myself look like a liar, but admitting I forgot about a torture briefing would make me look mentally challenged. It was a horrible dilemma. That’s why I said the CIA lied. (They do lie, you know. All the time. It’s part of their training. And if it’s OK to lie to a Communist agent, why would it not be OK to lie to me?)
Well, from the reaction you’d think I’d personally invented waterboarding. So, I called a press conference to explain myself. Let me tell you, that was ghastly. For one thing, I hadn’t had time to change. Then when I went to read my written statement I couldn’t find the right page. It was horrible. I was actually perspiring. My makeup was running in sheets.
So you can understand my relief when Kim started launching missiles .(I must remember to thank him.) It gave me a chance to slip out of the country for a while. By the way, the Chinese agree with me that climate change is a much more important issue than North Korea. They’re very anxious for us to get serious about energy-saving. If we’re going to survive we’ll have to inventory every aspect of our lives. Maybe I can get the Census Bureau to help.
But I’m afraid I’ve alienated the CIA. It’s scary. I could be made to disappear. Do they ever forget? Maybe I should send Leon some Omaha steaks.
A Life Inventory – what an original way to distract the masses from your love affair with the spook community.
It’s also a perfect way of showing that you understand the concerns of average Americans. I can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t jump at the chance to admit a paid government volunteer into his home to help with his inventory. An electric alarm clock by the bed? Don’t you know it takes 0.003 ounces of fossil fuel each year to power the thing? And the electric toothbrush – if you weren’t too lazy to brush your own teeth you could cancel your gym membership and save all the juice wasted operating the machines.
Who needs Islamofascists to drag us into the 7th century when Congressofascists can do the job faster and without suicide bombers?
Before you tell a whopper have your iron-clad back-up in place so you’re not left stammering when some chinwag insists you were among the briefing attendees, all of whom saw you and spoke to you even though you didn’t know you were there. Actually, I think you’ve blown a great opportunity to have a syndrome named after you.
As for that makeup-sliding-off-your-face feeling, even enhancements have their downside. Next time ask the doctor to leave a few wrinkles so it can grab a foothold. You should probably slack off the Botox anyway - it causes amnesia.
Good luck and God bless.