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Calling Government Motors By: Tom Purcell
FrontPageMagazine.com | Tuesday, April 07, 2009


Ring. Ring.

"Hello, the Department of Government-Backed GM Warranties, may I help you?"

"Yes, my new GM car won't start."

"Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of the Electronic Ignition-Challenged, may I help you?"

"I bought a new GM car. It won't start."

"Does it start and stop or not start at all?"

"It won't start at all."

"Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of New GM Cars that Start then Stop, may I help you?"

"My new GM car won't start at all."

"Sorry, this department only supports GM cars that start then stop. Hold, please ... the Department of Government-Backed GM Warranties, may I help you?"

"My new GM car won't start at all. Please connect me to the right department."

"Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of the Electronic Ignition-Challenged, may I help you?"

"My GM car won't start at all. It doesn't start then stop. Do you have a Department of GM Cars that Won't Start?"

"We don't have a Department of GM Cars that Won't Start. Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of Government-Backed GM Warranties, may I help you?"

"My stupid new GM car won't start. It doesn't start then stop. It won't start at all. Please connect me to the right department."

"Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of a Thousand Reasons Your New GM Car Won't Start at All, may I help you?"

"Yes, my new GM car won't start."

"Does it start and stop or not start at all?"

"It won't start at all and --"

"Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of Distressed Lugnuts, may I help you?"

"Lugnuts? Look, my car won't start at all. My lugnuts are not distressed."

"Then why did you call the Department of Distressed Lugnuts? Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of Government-Backed GM Warranties, may I help you?"

"Look, my stupid new GM car won't start at all. It doesn't start then stop. My lugnuts are not distressed. Please direct me to whatever department covers new GM cars that won't start at all."

"Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of a Thousand Reasons Your New GM Car Won't Start at All, may I help you?"

"Yes, my new GM car will not start at all. Please start my car."

"You need to complete the New GM Cars that Won't Start at All Warranty Application. Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of New GM Cars that Won't Start at All Warranty Application Processing Center, may I help you?"

"My stupid damn new GM car won't start at all. Is it possible in this lifetime to talk to somebody who will start my stupid damn --"

"Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of Offensive Behavior and/or Hate Speech Toward Government Employees of the Department of Government-Backed GM Warranties, you need to settle down, sir."

"Settle down! You want me to settle down! First, President Bush injects billions of taxpayer dollars into a failing automobile company. The company burns through the money, so President Obama gives it billions more. Then Obama fires the CEO -- a president can do that? -- and puts the American taxpayer into the automobile warranty business. I thought that in a free, capitalistic country, a company that makes bad decisions -- a company made unsustainable by bad management and overreaching unions -- is bound to fail. When it does, it goes to the bankruptcy court -- not to the politicians. The bankruptcy judge -- not the president -- decides who gets fired and who warrants what. But instead, our politicians have politicized and, therefore, perverted a natural capitalistic process. They'll be tempted to favor their supporters -- in Obama's case, the unions. The government will likely make GM's outcome worse than it could have been. All at tremendous expense to the taxpayers. Sure, I was a fool to buy a car from such a company. But all I want now is to talk to ANYONE WHO CAN HELP ME START MY STUPID NEW GM CAR!"

"Hold, please ... Hello, the Department of Government-Backed GM Warranties, may I help you?"

Tom Purcell's weekly political humor column runs in newspapers and Web sites across America. Visit him at www.TomPurcell.com.


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