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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Monday, January 19, 2009

Dear Aunt Sophie,

They’re at it again. I’m referring to the snide remarks about the inexperience of some of my cabinet picks. They’d like to be criticizing me but they can’t because I now have two solid months’ experience as President-Elect. So they go after my appointments.

It died down a bit after I started nominating people who had worked with my predecessors, but when I named my CIA chief it began all over again.

Of course he’s never worked in espionage but that shouldn’t be an issue. He’s an extremely experienced man, just not in espionage. When you think about it, that speaks well of him.

I don’t know what people thought I meant when I promised change. I wasn’t talking about the decor. I was referring to real change - the kind that keeps people on their toes. People have longer, happier lives when they have to learn something new. It helps stave off Alzheimers, too. Change is good for everyone. Why should it be any different for the head of the CIA? This job will do wonders for him.

Experience is highly overrated. Look at George Washington. He had absolutely no experience as president yet he’s generally thought to have done a good job. And what about Bill Gates? Did he have any experience running a huge corporation when he founded Microsoft? Of course not. He learned by doing. That’s what bright people do. It’s exactly what I’m going to do. And I will demand no less of the people around me.

Besides, experience has a downside - it can keep you from taking risks. If I had a lot of experience I’d probably be hunkered down with successful managerial and diplomatic types. But their input would keep me from thinking outside the box. That’s the main reason I nominated my arch rival to head State. She has no experience. She’ll be inspired. And if things go the way I’d like them to, her replacement in the Senate won’t have any experience, either.

These are perilous times and it will take imagination to address our serious problems properly. My creative approach should put to rest forever the canard that I lack substance.

One more thing – I want to wear a stovepipe hat at my inauguration but my wife says it’ll make me look too tall. What do you think?

Abe’s Avatar

Dear Avatar,

It’s thrilling to anticipate being led by a president unimpeded by experience. After all, when God created the universe He didn’t have any experience either but look what a great job He did.

I’m floored by the originality of your approach to foreign policy. Only a highly creative mind would perceive that reinventing the American health care system will make terrorism go away. (When one country’s health care is too good, other folks get jealous to the point that some of them crash airplanes into tall buildings.) How stupid of Bush not to have seen that Health Care Envy was the cause of the problem all along. Nominating a woman with a medical background (well, a failed health care plan, anyway) to be Secretary of State was a stroke of sheer genius.

Your administration will find lots of innovative ways to occupy itself. It’ll certainly try to reinvent the Constitution. And I’m sure it will reimagine the financial system, energy, education and transportation. Actually, if auto manufacturers were forced to put their minds to it they could easily design cars that didn’t use any fuel at all. So what if they wouldn’t run. If not enough people bought them the Big Three could make roller skates instead.

The secondary industries that would grow up around the widespread use of roller skates –helmet and knee-pad manufacturing, for example – would be just the thing to rev up the economy. And the EPA wouldn’t have to issue any mandates beyond requiring the use of materials whose production uses no energy. To insure full employment at the DMV the states could be charged with enforcing annual roller skate inspections and licensing.

About the stovepipe, that’s soooo 1860’s. Instead, see if you can’t cultivate a beard and sideburns for your big day.

Good luck and God bless.

Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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