Dear Aunt Sophie,
I’ve had it - every time I leave the country somebody calls
me a traitor. Just the other day one of those right wing talk show hosts said my
passport should be revoked. That’s ridiculous! I'm a former president, for Pete's
sake. (You notice I did not say “for Ch****s sake”. That would be blasphemous and
I always try to set the example.)
Now where was I? Oh, yes. I'm an ex-president – of the United States, that
is. I only had one term but what a term it was! I often wish I could have a second
one because there were so many things I didn't get to do, but I’m probably too
old to appeal to today’s voters. Nobody respects age and experience any more. To
be honest, my life is better without all that pressure. I like not having to
worry about Congress and the Supreme Court.
The world situation is a lot more complicated now than it
was when I was in office, but there is one element that never seems to change.
I’m not going to spell it out, but you know what I mean - there is one group of
people who do nothing but cause trouble wherever they go. They even cause
trouble when they don't go anywhere. You'd think they'd have learned something
from their experiences in Europe, but no, they go to the Middle
East and what’s the first thing they do? They start killing their
neighbors with absolutely no provocation. I tell you, they’re the world’s
Back in my day we had the Soviets. You could count on them. With
them things were, if you'll excuse the expression, black and white. (Being from
I’m very sensitive to words like black and white. People expect us Southerners
to have a certain outlook but I don't have it. In fact I’m probably going to
vote for an African-American even though most Southerners wouldn’t. But that's
a topic for another day. Let me just state categorically that I am not a bigot.)
Now what was I…oh, yes, the world situation. So now that I’m
free of political constraints I want to do something to improve the picture in
the Middle East. I don’t even mind if the next
president takes credit for it. Humility is a vastly underrated virtue and
woefully lacking in public life if you ask me. Besides, I already have my Nobel
Prize. Anyway, as I was saying, I visited some countries in the Middle East to establish good relations with the more
reasonable players there and now I hear my own countrymen calling me a traitor.
How absurd! I can’t be a traitor. I’m an ex-president.
Another thing about this trip that’s been bothering me - maybe
you aren’t aware of it but in the Middle East men
hug each other. They aren't gay but they hug each other. Sometimes they even
kiss each other. I think it’s kind of nice. So when I met this one fellow, I
gave him a nice big Georgia
hug. Well, from the way some people reacted you'd think I'd kissed Hitler or
something. Now of course I would never kiss Hitler. He's dead and it's immoral
to kiss a man who's been dead that long. Isn't sanitary, either, if you ask me.
Now where was I? Oh, yes. As I was saying there's absolutely
nothing wrong with two men hugging. Nothing wrong. How can I make people
I can’t believe any American would take exception to a
former president cuddling with a terrorist. Sometimes a fella just needs a hug.
It's not as if you’d soiled your kneepads or anything.
Why did the voters pull the plug on you anyway, when there
was so much left for you to do? The economy was still managing shallow,
sporadic breaths with interest rates struggling to meet the legal definition of
usury; our embassy personnel were still availing themselves of Iranian
hospitality even as you rummaged through the Kurt Waldheim’s Rolodex looking for
more dictators to appease. Why ever did they vote for you for ex-president?
Actually, I’ve always found it rather distasteful to refer
to mothballed chief executives as “ex-presidents”. It sounds so, so -ex. A past
president should have a special honorific like say, Secretary of State II. That
way his post-presidential hugger-mugger would have the appearance of legality.
The UN would like us a lot better, too, if we offered a choice of foreign
policies. For instance, if State I refused to talk to terrorists, State II
could always eschew the term “terrorist” and take over the chinwagging.
Since our current president has a free-market orientation you’d
think he’d welcome a little competition, but no, he just ignores you. That’s
got to smart.
The good news is that even if talk show hosts cluck at the
idea of an alter kakker running
around the world performing foreign policy exorcisms, your average Columbia
professor gets teary at the sight of a humble carpenter hanging up his overalls
to work toward his second Nobel merit badge.
The fact that no one has ever been prosecuted under the
Logan Act - well, that’s the bad news.
Good luck and God bless.