Dear Aunt Sophie,

I always vote in primaries but this year I’m having a terrible time deciding whom to vote for. I’ve registered as a Democrat, but I think I’m more of an independent since I don’t hate right-wingers all that much. How can I figure out how to vote? 

Uncommitted unaffiliated non-ideological free thinker

*

Dear Thinker, 

For some reason, Aunt Sophie has been deluged with letters like yours lately. Since she is unable to respond to so many requests individually she has devised this questionnaire to help independents like yourself with the arduous task of making up their minds.

Good luck and God bless.
 

Answer each question (1) Strongly agree (2) Agree somewhat or (3) Could be persuaded to agree 

1.  Bush lied, kids died. (1) (2) (3)

2.  Just because glaciers are slow doesn’t mean they aren’t smart. (1) (2) (3)

3.  People don’t kill people, guns kill people. (1) (2) (3)

4.  It bothers me that someone thought it was OK to reveal the fact that one of our candidates is a Muslim drug dealer. (1) (2) (3)

5.  Saddam’s testing nerve gas on humans was none of our business but he should never have offed the mutt. (1) (2) (3)

6.  If the rich had to sign over all their money to the government my life wouldn’t change a bit, but boy, would I be happy! (1) (2) (3)

7.  The Patriot Act is destroying my sex life. (1) (2) (3)

8.  Religion doesn’t belong in a presidential campaign unless your childhood Sunday school teacher happens to show up at your rally with a picture of the two of you that she’s been saving for 50 years. (1) (2) (3)

9.  How can Americans call themselves generous when the typical undocumented worker still can’t afford to send his kids to Harvard? (1) (2) (3)

10. CEO stands for Curmudgeonly Exploitive Oppressor. (1) (2) (3)

11. If four hundred prominent scientists dispute global warming just how prominent can they be?  (1) (2) (3)

12. Money wasted on the war would be better spent giving Palestinian children piano lessons. (1) (2) (3)

13. One man’s originalist is another man’s fascist. (1) (2) (3)

14. If we had to use waterboarding to save Peoria from nuclear destruction I hope we would do the moral thing - no one I know lives there anyway. (1) (2) (3)

15. Why did Bush invade Iraq when he could have invaded Halliburton, hmm? (1) (2) (3)

16. We need government health care so even a poor person can benefit from a sex change. (1) (2) (3)

17. Celebrating Christmas contributes to global warming in countless ways. (1) (2) (3)

18. Of course I’d rush into a burning building to save a goldfish. Or I’d send someone.  (1) (2) (3)

19. June Cleaver always made me gag. (1) (2) (3)

20. To be privy to a person’s secret ambitions talk to his wetnurse. (1) (2) (3)

21. If Michael Moore says it you can take it to the bank.

22. Just because you don’t choose to wear one is no reason to deride the burqa as a sign of gender oppression. (1) (2) (3)

23. Some of my best friends are personal injury litigators. (1) (2) (3)

24. Some people acquire experience through marriage or by a short stint in the Senate. (1) (2) (3)

25. No matter what he says, Clarence Thomas is not black. (1) (2) (3)

26. Don’t you dare tell me what to do with my body. (1) (2) (3)

27. I do so have the right to tell you not to wear fur. (1) (2) (3)

28. Even if his daughter is gay Darth Cheney is still a war criminal. (1) (2) (3)

29. I know Bush failed nursery school. The CIA fudged the record. (1) (2) (3)

30. The internal combustion engine is the greatest threat to humankind.  (1) (2) (3)

31. The religious right is a greater threat than the internal combustion engine. (1) (2) (3)

32. Bush personally tortures children at Guantánamo. (1) (2) (3)

33. How is it my business if the Saudis flog their rape victims? (1) (2) (3)

34. “Shreck” was way too violent. (1) (2) (3)

35. Gasoline costs too much because Bush’s cronies fix prices. (1) (2) (3)

36. Gasoline should cost more because we’re still paying less than the French. (1) (2) (3)

37. The Petraeus-Betray-us ad was appalling. Absolutely no subtlety.  (1) (2) (3)

38. The incandescent bulb is more pernicious than the religious ideology of a few badly trained pilots. (1) (2) (3)

39. Cheney - what a waste of a pacemaker. (1) (2) (3)

40. The sky really is falling. (1) (2) (3)

41. Abu Ghraib under Bush was incomparably worse than Dachau under what’s-his-name. (1) (2) (3)

42. Nothing is more captivating in a candidate who wears pink than gales of mirthless laughter. (1) (2) (3)

43. Every time you say “Merry Christmas” a kitten dies somewhere. (1) (2) (3)

44. Amerikan womyn are oppressed by the patriarchal power structure. (1) (2) (3)

45. Honor killing must be understood in its cultural context. (1) (2) (3)

46. Poor people are poor because everyone else is rich. (1) (2) (3)

47. As the only non-Muslim in business class you have a moral duty not to notice when your cabin-mates begin unscrewing the caps on toothpaste tubes and inserting wires into them. (1) (2) (3)

48. Obama may or may not be black. (1) (2) (3)

49. Polar bears are people, too. (1) (2) (3)

50. You can’t be said to have a coherent foreign policy if you’ve never seen a UFO.

Scoring:

1-50  This isn’t nearly as hard as you think - when you go into the booth just close your eyes and stab at the touch screen.

51-100 You are quite thoughtful. Agonize a bit before closing your eyes and stabbing at the touch screen.

101-150 A true independent, you should consider whether voting might not be a little too stressful for you. Perhaps you should leave it to the professionals.