My Dearest Aunt Sophie,
You will notice that I have taken care to address you with exceptional chivalry. That is because I do not wish to arouse the ill will of a woman. Right now I need a little understanding. (Please note that by saying this I show that I think of you as a human being.)
I was recently invited to speak at a certain university in New York. I accepted the invitation and came at the appointed time to address an assembly of students. I was prepared to speak and to answer questions but I was not at all prepared for the discourtesy I was forced to endure. In my country it is not customary to invite someone to your home and then berate him and call him terrible names. I do not know what possessed the president of this university, which I have been assured is “great” and “Ivy League”, to insult me in this way. To show that I am magnanimous I have invited him to my country. If he comes he will be welcomed with our famous hospitality. I will see to it that he is not stoned.
But he will not come. This man is a coward. He was only able to insult me where he felt safe – in his university, in front of television cameras. I have no illusions about him. If he visited my country he would smile at me, he would eat our food and pretend to enjoy it. He would probably let his beard grow and his wife would pretend to be happy to cover her head. We would have what you call photo-ops. But he will never come. It would be bad for his image now that he has taken the cowardly stance of insulting me in his own home. (This word “stance” – in your country it seems to be something of a joke – a “wide stance” – I am not sure what it refers to, but whatever it is, we do not have it in our country.) So he will never accept my hospitality even though I have the feeling that in spite of all the insults he does not truly loathe me.
I did not intend to spend so much time talking about a boorish host. I intended merely to express my dismay at being insulted and vilified. We Middle Eastern presidents want to be loved just as much as any vile infidel.
Please convey to your readers my earnest desire for peace. Once the Jews have been removed from my part of the world there will be peace and all mankind can come together for enlightened discussion.
I assure you, my dear, lovely Aunt Sophie, that for those who make the effort to know me I offer most rewarding conversation about science, knowledge and spirituality. It may interest you to know that women especially find me very stimulating and quite benign.
Yours in friendship until the coming of the Hidden One,
Lookin’ for Love
Isn’t it discomfiting when a college president forgets his manners? Let me assure you that if the alumni had not been made aware of his invitation he would have welcomed you most effusively, and probably would have thrown in a foot-washing or two before escorting you to the Perrier-and-caviar reception that would have been held in your honor.
Put yourself in his sandals for a minute – unlike most beloved middle-eastern despots he lacks the fool-proof employment insurance afforded by unanimous vote in a democratic election. It may be hard for a man of your cultivation to grasp, but the vulgar fact is he has to please enough wealthy alumni to make himself look like an irresistible money-magnet. No donations, no job. It must have been distasteful indeed to stand there while an infidel fund-raiser reminded his listeners of the real you. But don’t be too hard on him – I’m sure he didn’t mean it.
Being stimulating to women is one mark of a sensitive and refined, if petty, dictator. Since you’re looking for love, perhaps you should consider an ad in the Village Voice. It might read something like this: “50-ish anti-J white Middle Eastern non-Arab head of state seeks female companion for long cozy evenings schmoozing about planned genocide or population relocation. Ignorance of nuclear fission not a deal-breaker as I have always enjoyed teaching. Must be non-drinker and should be partial to facial stubble. A weak olfactory sense will be helpful in cultivating our friendship. No HIV or herpes please. Acceptance of potentially short-term relationship important, as I am trying to promote chaos to accelerate the coming of the Mahdi. Good manners essential.”
On second thought, save your money. Instead, try to wangle an invitation to address Congress – have they got a Speaker for you!
Good luck and God bless.