Dear Aunt Sophie,
A couple of months ago I wrote asking your opinion about a campaign slogan (I'm running for president). You were pretty sarcastic but you did get me thinking about a few things. Like my aversion to poverty, for example. I've always hated it. That’s the main reason I'm not poor.
Anyway, you made me realize how important it is for me to show the underprivileged that I care about them even though I’m nothing like them. So I came up with this great idea - a poverty tour. I want the impoverished community to realize that I spend a large part of every day worrying about them.
But no matter what I do for them, all the right-wing ever talks about is how much I pay my hair stylist. It’s become a real distraction. Every time I spend a couple of bucks they start up again. This may surprise you, but I've tried SuperCuts. The problem is they're inconsistent. When you run for president you become a brand. That means people expect you to look pretty much the same all the time, except for your facial expressions, of course, and your clothes - it would be pretty weird if those didn't change. (If I always wore the same suit, talk show hosts would be discussing the size of my dry cleaning bill and that would be another distraction.)
The right-wing is using my hair to deflect people’s attention from the most important problems facing this country. So what are those problems? Global warming, poverty and health care. Forget about this “war” that everybody else seems hung up on. We should simply put an end to it. It’s a distraction. Global warming is the real threat because if the world is destroyed by floods everybody will be reduced to poverty, including me, and there won’t even be any health care to speak of. So we have to stop global warming before we do anything else.
My whole family cares deeply about this problem and they're always looking for innovative ways to help. My wife, for example, is giving up tangerines. She won’t buy them any more. If someone gives her one she'll probably eat it, because she really loves them, but by not buying them she’ll be demonstrating just how serious we are about this issue.
Now, there is one other thing bothering me. Remember when my wife said I’m more of a woman than my “female” opponent? Well, I knew what she meant, but some people might have taken it wrong. I want to assure you that I am all man. I’m actually an alpha male, but I try not to be too obvious about it. Paying a lot of attention to my grooming helps me look sensitive, but I don’t want people thinking I’m some kind of wimp. Or gay. I don’t think the country is ready for a gay president.
Oh, just so you know, I'll probably be using “A Real Man with Real Hair” as my slogan.
The subset “World Leaders with Great Hair” isn’t exactly teeming with names; offhand I can only think of one, and it’s unlikely he ever paid his stylist more than a ruble or two for a blow-dry.
No matter how much your helpmeet hypes your womanly side, very few people are likely to think you’re gay just because you’re a carbon-swilling, ambulance-chasing, un-poor, primping puppy. But suppose they did think so. Would that bother you? Don’t you like gays?
The poverty tour is a great idea. Everybody talks about poverty, but nobody does anything about it. When you start hobnobbing with the proletariat be sure to let one of the local barbers have at you while the cameras are rolling. Mr. Joseph can always repair the damage later. Settle the bill out of range of the mikes, though, and don’t forget to tip.
You’re lucky to have a wife who wants to take an active part in solving the world’s problems. Giving up tangerines – why didn't I think of that? Tangerines are orange. Orange is a hot color. So every time you bring a tangerine into your house the temperature of the air rises ever so slightly. A small thing, but significant. Bring in a whole crate and you might need to turn on the air conditioner.
I don’t think it should stop there, though. People can help in many ways. They could give up spicy food, for example. And if they didn't voluntarily give it up, the government could always prohibit it. A ban on Tex-Mex wouldn’t go down very well with the winners of the Rio Grande Biathlon, but then again, that event would probably be cancelled if the country were up to its hair extensions in melted glaciers because there wouldn’t be too many jobs left that Americans would refuse to do.
The problem with your slogan is that it conveys only your Alpha side. By all means assert your masculinity but keep reminding people of the softer you.
How about “Cleavage Isn’t Everything”?
Good luck and God bless.