It's March of 2009. In January, Barack Obama was inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States. True to a commitment made during a Democratic primary debate on CNN, President Obama has just finished an intense four day diplomacy campaign by meeting with, on consecutive days, noted anti-American world leaders at the White House. What follows are partial transcripts from those meetings.
Day 1: President Obama first met with Hugo Chavez (HC), who just weeks earlier anointed himself People's President for Life in Venezuela.
Barack Obama (BO): Good afternoon President Chavez.
HC: The afternoon is not good Senor Diablo. The room is hot. I wish you could have hosted this meeting somewhere other than hell.
BO: I don't think we need to use that type of rhetoric. I am hoping to have a constructive dialogue with you.
HC: Where are you horns?
BO: I don't have horns President Chavez. That's ridiculous.
HC: Please do me a favor Senor Diablo. For our photo op, I brought along this costume I would like you to wear.
Chavez takes out a traditional devil's costume one might see during Halloween, complete with a red pointed tail, red horns, and a pitchfork.
BO: President Chavez that is a devil's costume. I obviously won't wear that for the photo op. That is preposterous.
Day 2: President Obama met with Fidel Castro. Castro, who died 6 months earlier, was accompanied and propped up by two aides. News of his death was not known by anyone other than top Communist officials in Cuba. The scene was reminiscent of the movie "Weekend at Bernie's."
BO: Are you feeling ok, Fidel?
Castro Aid (CA) #1: Are you kidding? El Presidente has never been better! As he told your Barbara Walters of ABC several years back, his doctors tell him he will live well into his 100s. Haven't you seen Michael Moore's Sicko? We have the best medical care in the world in our island paradise. The President is just a bit tired from partying with Chavez and Ahmadinejad a little harder than usual last night.
BO: I see. As you know I came into office signaling a politics of change. We have had hostile relations with your country for roughly half a century. I hope we can begin to change that.
CA #2: I will tell you what you can change Mr. Obama. You can change your country's imperial hubris and start treating other countries like equals and not American colonies. It hurts our feelings.
BO: I think that is a little harsh, but I do appreciate your perspective. However, I would like to hear from President Castro himself and see what he thinks…
CA #2: I think El President has made his views well known and I am not sure there is any more for us to say. Viva la revolucion! Let's go.
The Cuban delegation left to take Castro (or his corpse) to a raucous reception in his honor hosted by his Democratic admirers in Congress. And Danny Glover.
Day 3: President Obama met with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (MA).
BO: President Ahmadinejad, thank you for joining me in Washington for these talks. As you know, I am holding these talks in the hopes of bridging the gaps between our two nations.
MA: Yes. I am aware. And boy are their gaps to bridge. The U.S. has castigated the great Iranian nation for its historically accurate declaration that the Jewish Holocaust never occurred. It has lambasted the Islamic Republic for our contention that the Zionist Entity will one day be cast into the dust bin of history. And, most disturbingly, your country has hinted that you might be willing to use military action to stop our nuclear weapons, err, I mean peaceful nuclear energy program.
BO: Don't you have one of the largest oil reserves in the world?
MA: Hmm. Is that so? I'll have to look into that. Anyway, nuclear energy doesn't contribute to global warming. We are trying to be environmentally responsible.
BO: Well, I can certainly understand that.
MA: Good. We are getting somewhere.
BO: What I can't stand for, though, is your country's continual human rights abuses. Honor killings in which women are stoned is simply unacceptable Mr. Ahmadinejad.
MA: How dare you Mr. President. You do not see me coming here and insulting your culture and your religion. We practice Shari'a law, sir. By impugning our practice of stoning women to death, you are insulting 1400 years of Islamic history and tradition. Worse, you are insulting the Prophet Mohammad and Islam. To paraphrase the late, great American comedian Rodney Dangerfield, we can't get no respect.
BO: Well, I don't wish to impugn Islam, but…
MA: Good. I think we accomplished some concrete things in this meeting Mr. President and bridged some major gaps. Hopefully at our next one-on-one, we can continue our discussions on how to bridge the gap on Holocaust denial and destroying Israel.
Day 4: President Obama ended his four day "rainbow tour" with a visit from North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il (KJ)
BO: Good afternoon Mr. Chairman. It is nice to meet you.
KJ: Herro. You want to know a secret?
BO: What is that?
KJ: We have nuclear weapons. Hehe.
BO: Yes, that is what my intelligence tells me. I would like to try to persuade you to give them up.
KJ: Hmm. How 'bout I give you two of our nuclear weapons for a life time supply of Johnnie Walker Swing, a bevy of beautiful American women, and American movie director Steven Spielberg.
BO: What? Stephen Spielberg?
KJ: I love his films. He is my favorite. I just can't get enough of E.T.
BO: Well, I don't think I have the power to deliver you Steven Spielberg and even if I did…
KJ: How about Orson Welles?
BO: Orson Welles has been dead for over twenty years.
KJ: Well, if you want something you have to provide something in return. You are obviously not willing to do that so me and my delegation are going to leave now. We'll simply just have to kidnap Spielberg I guess.