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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Monday, June 04, 2007

 Dear Aunt Sophie,

I’m a presidential candidate with a very serious agenda but people seem to pay more attention to my hair than they do to my views. I suppose I am rather proud of it - it’s better than JFK’s - and I probably do spend more on it than the average guy. But someone in my position can’t just let his wife cut it (my people tell me that’s what average guys do). I’m really in a bind - a lousy haircut makes people think you’re not presidential and a good one runs at least $400.

But enough about hair. There are many more important things to talk about. This “Global War on Terror”, for example. What a crock! It’s a bumper sticker slogan - no more, no less. I know because I ran it by my people and they said it would definitely fit on a bumper sticker. So I stand by what I said. It’s just a catchy slogan dreamed up by Bush so we could feel good about going to war for oil. (Actually, I don’t think Bush could have dreamed it up. His people must have. Probably Karl Rove.)

Why are they always trying to make me look like a lightweight? I’m the only one who has a handle on the real problems that beset this country. The biggest one is poverty. There are two Americas. That means fifty percent of people in this country are poor. Don’t people realize I’m the only candidate whose whole career has been a personal War on Poverty?

I’ve heard criticism for my work with a hedge fund but what people don’t understand is that working for a hedge fund is the best way to learn about poverty. It teaches you about all the things that can go wrong in various sectors of the economy and their impact on the poor. (It’s pathetic when you think there are people whose idea of business is running a little restaurant or fixing up old cars and selling them. If your horizons are that limited how can you ever get out of poverty? Anyway, cars will be on the way out if I have anything to say about it.)

Which reminds me – I’m proud to say my home is carbon neutral. I’m the only candidate who is setting the example. Since most people want to live like the president, it’s important for a candidate to keep his carbon footprint between small and nil. People like me have to be creative to do this, so we buy offsets. Average people have an easier time of it. It doesn’t require much sophistication. They can just unplug their air conditioners. Unfortunately, if you’re running for president nothing’s ever as easy as you might hope – you have to look young and vital and you always have to do what’s best for your skin.

With all this talk about me and bumper stickers I feel I should capitalize on the buzz. What do you think should go on my campaign stickers?

Breck Boy (NOT Girl)

Dear Not,

Imagine being concerned with irrelevant nonsense like how much a candidate pays for a haircut! It’s not as if it made you look out of touch or anything. Besides, everybody knows you don’t pay more for your haircut than the average guy. Haircuts never cost that much - maybe twenty-five, thirty bucks, tops. It’s the little things, the high-lights, the low-lights, the conditioners, the sprays, the gels that bump up the price another $375 or so. It’s sort of like the taxes on your phone bill.

Devoting your entire professional life to alleviating poverty is a claim very few tort lawyers can make without being laughed out of their Lear jets. But in your case it’s true, assuming you pay your pilot and the people who maintain your modest, 28,000-square-foot bungalow as handsomely as you pay your hairdresser. (“John Edwards – Lifting People out of Poverty One Plaintiff at a Time”).

If you want to keep your liberal bona fides you’d better play down the fact that you’ve been providing an awesome example of trickle-down economics, though. Keep harping on the idea that there are Two Americas – it’s absolutely true: There are those who pay into Social Security and those who get to opt out; those who patronize Super Cuts and those who keep Mr. Bruce on retainer; those who fly coach and those who fly Gulfstream (“John Edwards – A Man Who Really Digs Trailer Parks”).

As for the war on terror, it’s sad that so many people think someone deliberately attacked the Pentagon and brought down two of our biggest buildings, killing about three thousand Americans. Mass delusion is almost impossible to treat, especially when it affects so many people in high places. Short of de-programming the populace by running Michael Moore on The Weather Channel 24/7 until the next election we’ll just have to put a group of imams on every mass transit carrier to help people come to terms with their paranoia.

In the meantime, let’s see – what would make a good bumper sticker slogan for you?

I’ve got it. How about “9/11 - It Never Happened!”

Good luck and God bless.

Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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