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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Monday, May 07, 2007

Dear Aunt Sophie,

Why should I have to call you “Aunt Sophie” when you’re obviously not my aunt? I’ll tell you why – the white power structure calls all the shots, that’s why. But things are changing. I’m seeing to that. The time will come when you won’t be able to make me call you “Aunt”.


You don’t know what it’s like to be out here all by myself trying to improve race relations. I’m the only one who isn’t afraid to tell the truth. And you know what?  I think you white people secretly like to hear what I have to say because deep down you know I’m right. You’ll never admit it because you don’t want African-Americans to have decent jobs or health care, but you know I’m right. Oh sure, lots of African-Americans have average jobs and average health care, but average is not decent.


Well, get used to change. I just got a racist loudmouth thrown off the air. Fired. Axed. He called some young black women “nappy-headed hos.”  That’s racist! Did you know that in England they call diapers nappies?


Now I occasionally use language like that myself, but where does he get off using it? He’s not me. If I call somebody “nappy-headed” it’s not an insult. And why did he have to call them hos? It would be different if I called you a ho. The truth is never an insult. I don’t have to know anything about your private life to call you that. You’re part of the white power structure. I guess that raises the question of whether I’m visiting a ho by writing to you. Well, just to put your mind at rest, we reverends don’t visit hos.


That sniveling cracker came crawling to me but it didn’t do him any good. They fired him anyway. And that’s just the beginning. I’m going to get every one of these crackers off the air. Anyone who talks hate is gone. You better be careful how you talk to people or you’ll be out, too.


I can’t stand name-calling. This kid who’s running for president – you know somebody had the nerve to call him clean and articulate. I’d sue anybody who had the nerve to call me that.


It took a lot of work for me to get where I am today, but it’s been well worth it. I even ran for president, which I may do again. It’s a lot of fun.


All right, let’s see if you can make this letter worth the price of the stamp. I’m thinking of writing another book, but I don’t know what it should be about and I don’t know what to call it. Any ideas?


Sharp Al


Dear Sharp,


At last. Without you to enlighten me I’d never have figured out the link between silencing a guy with less class than the floordrain in a public restroom and better health care for African-Americans.


You’re so right. Cleaning up the airwaves is definitely the key to improving the lot of the poor. Personally, if I were you, I’d go after the money programs. They’re obviously designed to make people feel even less well-off than they really are. It’s offensive to assume that a fellow would have anything left to invest after paying for his designer duds and the one-of-a-kind tat above his lady friend’s new boobs. How can the average Impoverished-American who can’t even pay his rent feel like a valued member of society when he has to listen to people like that rubbing his face in it?


The religious shows have to go, too. They spend way too much time trying to make regular people feel bad about their normal day-to-day activities. If I had to listen to some preacher talking about how immoral it is to abet perjury and incite racial violence it would make me feel alienated, which would have a huge negative impact on my ability to pay off my old court-ordered judgments.


But don’t limit yourself to the broadcast media. The print media need a good scouring, too. Start with the dictionary. It has too many words that breed contempt for African-Americans. Banning the n-word and its obvious substitutes is a good beginning, but what about “niggling”, “denigrate” and “benignity”? And that still leaves insensitive and unflattering code words like “melanosity” “napiform”, and “nigella” which can’t help but make thinking people cringe.


As for your book, why not try a cookbook? You could call it “1001 Ways to Use Crackers.”

Good luck and God bless.

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Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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