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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Thursday, March 01, 2007

Dear Aunt Sophie,

There is a problem with the moral well-being of our country and I’m not sure how to go about solving it.

Most people don't seem to recognize the value of practicing forgiveness. Look around you – do you see people really forgiving each other? I don't.

For example – right after my latest best-seller came out, this Jewish lawyer (not that there's anything wrong with being Jewish – some of my best, oh never mind) accused me, an ex-president, of having made 131 “errors” of fact. This without giving the slightest hint that he intended to forgive me for having made these “errors,” if indeed that’s what they are. (If I wanted to be sure I'd have to check everything as I wrote and frankly, once it’s on paper I'm finished with it. Fact-checking is for fact-checkers.)

But that's neither here nor there. Let’s suppose the fact-checkers didn’t do their jobs properly. I can’t blame ordinary people for their mistakes - to err is human, to forgive divine. I try to practice divine forgiveness. No, I don't mean to suggest that I’m God-like – that would be prideful. I just mean that I try to practice the divine virtues - like humility, which isn’t very evident among Americans either. But I try, and I think I succeed quite well. In fact I think I'm probably the humblest person since Gandhi.

Honesty is also important. I am always honest, sometimes painfully so. You may recall that I once said publicly that I lusted after women in my heart. It was true. I was just being my honest self. So you can imagine how it hurts me when people say I lie.

Actually, even though I’m none of these things, I’ve been called a liar, an anti-Semite, a bigot, a plagiarist and a coward. But I’ve never been accused of making “errors.” Of course this accusation does concern me, but it doesn't detract from the fact that my book is accurate.

Anyone who knows me knows that my “errors” are not inaccurate. This is a very subtle concept. The reason I even mention it is that my book is also very subtle and subtlety is not an American strong point.

As for being anti-Semitic, I can't be. Jesus was a Jew and I could never be against Jesus, so I can't be an anti-Semite. Anyway, that's such an ugly thing to call someone. I detest all this name-calling. It's so uncharitable.

I think it would be good for the country as a whole if everyone just forgave me for the “errors” and bought the book. People should jump at any opportunity to be virtuous.

How can I get more people to practice the virtues?

Jimmuh the Meek

Dear Meek,

At last I’m beginning to understand your presidency. For a while there I thought of you as the Jack Kevorkian of the Oval Office, but it turns out you were trying to elevate us all. Who knew?

Let’s see if I’ve grasped the essence of your subtle moral code. Telling your wife that you often wanted to hurt her (a bad thing) was an exercise in rectitude because you never actually did hurt her (a good thing), and you went public because you didn’t want the little darlin’ to miss a chance to score a couple of virtue points. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

An ex-president should set a virtuous example. Rather than doing the easy thing and rooting for his own side in a life-or-death conflict, he should show his fellow citizens how to practice self-criticism by subjecting his country to wartime scathings in the foreign press.

There must be lots of ways for you to help your country beef up its merit badge tally. The best, of course, would be for you to convince Americans to put on a happy face and accept dhimmitude with a song in their hearts. Or, if you think that won’t fly, perhaps you could help us rack up our brownie points in onesies and twosies by extolling the religion of love until its benevolence simply overwhelms us. Just imagine all the ethical lagniappe the last few Americans will acquire while they’re picking through the cinders.

As for your being an anti-Semite, horsefeathers! On the contrary, since you esteem the Jewish people so highly you must find it especially frustrating when they don’t cooperate in earning their moral bonus points. After all, what benefit accrues to people who, instead of enduring their extermination with good cheer, build a wall to keep the instruments of their moral elevation from slithering into their country? Who can respect folks who won’t whistle on the way to the gas chamber?

I’m delighted that you’ve found an absorbing post-POTUS project. Everybody needs a sense of purpose, even when it can only be satisfied by embarrassing and betraying your countrymen between Grammys.

Perhaps your next project should be a book of recipes for sheep’s eyes. Just a thought.

Good luck and God bless.

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Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.

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