IT’S ONLY A MATTER of time. Our government is going to pay reparations to blacks, whether we like it or not. And they’re going to use our hard-earned tax money to do it. Now that Johnnie Cochran and a dream team of blue-chip ambulance chasers have joined the crusade, it’s virtually a done deal.
I say, if you can’t beat’em, join’em.
We can’t stop the reparations juggernaut. But we can get our piece of the action. By “we,” I mean all Americans of full or partial European descent.
Here’s the plan: We must demand immediate reparations from Mongolia.
I know it sounds strange. Mongolia’s average per capita income is only $390 and many of its people still live in tents.
But those Mongols treated us badly. It’s time for them to pay up.
Beginning in 1222, Genghis Khan and his successors conquered half of Europe, including Russia, Poland and Hungary. They ruled with an iron fist for nearly 300 years.
Unlike European colonialists, these Central Asian horsemen had no interest in saving souls. Genghis Khan summed up their philosophy in these words:
“Man’s highest joy is in victory: to conquer one’s enemies, to pursue them, to deprive them of their possessions, to make their beloved weep, to ride on their horses, and to embrace their daughters and wives.”
The Mongols did all that and more.
Captives were often slaughtered wholesale. The Mongols would impale their prisoners on stakes, dismember them, drive nails or woodsplints under their fingernails, drop burning coals into their boots, or roast them alive. Entire populations of towns were sometimes made to assemble outside the walls, while Mongol warriors systematically dispatched them with battle-axes.
In one recorded case, the Mongols laid captive Russian noblemen on the ground, placed boards over them, and held a feast on top of the boards. While the Mongols reveled, the princes were slowly crushed.
“The (Mongols)… learn warfare from their youth,” wrote a Russian monk. “Therefore they are stern, fearless, and fierce towards us… We cannot oppose them, but humiliate ourselves before them, as Jacob did before Esau.”
Russia was ruled for centuries by the Tatars, fierce vassals of the Mongols. Any city that refused to pay tribute to the Tatar “Khan” or warlord was burned, its people sold into slavery. Even centuries later, when many cities had managed to break free from the Khan’s grip, Tatar raiding parties still carried off men, women and children to sell as slaves.
During those years, Russians and other Slavic peoples became the primary source of slaves for the Mediterranean world. Slavic men rowed the galleys or worked the fields for Muslim lords. Slavic women filled the harems of Turkish sultans, while their children were auctioned off to the highest bidder in places like Cairo and Baghdad.
Even in Christian Europe, Slavic people remained the chattels of choice for centuries, until African slaves later replaced them. That’s why the word “Slav” came to mean “slave” in English and other European tongues.
The Mongols never advanced farther west than Vienna, but their 300-year rampage left its mark all over Europe.
Some might argue that Europe did pretty well for itself, despite the depradations of the Khans. Sure we did. But that is not the point.
Black Americans have also done well for themselves. They are the wealthiest black population anywhere in the world. Yet they still want reparations.
We should get the same consideration. For all our success, how much better could we European-Americans have done had the Mongols left our ancestors in peace?
I don’t think even Johnnie Cochran could argue with that logic. He knows we’ve got a good case. Perhaps he might even agree to represent us.
The question is, how much should we demand?
We should take our cue from black Americans. They have had more experience in calculating these sorts of things. In his book, The Debt, Randall Robinson offers this suggestion as to how much whites should pay blacks:
Solutions must be tailored to the scope of the crime… In this case, the psychic and economic injury is enormous, multidimensional and long-running. Thus must be America’s restitution to blacks for the damage done.
Did you hear that, Mongolia? Enormous. Multidimensional. Long-running. I especially like the “long-running” part. If we win this case, those Mongols are going to be paying for a long, long time.
Thanks for the suggestion, Mr. Robinson. I wish I had time to think up ideas like that myself. But I’m too busy working for a living.