Dear Aunt Sophie,
A friend of mine saw "Hillie’s" letter in your column last week and wondered if it had been written by my wife. Well, I read it and it does sound a lot like her. She uses that kind of language when she wants to turn me on, but I want you to understand she isn’t really like that. She’s actually kind of a prig.
What amazed me was that she used the D-word. We’ve already discussed that – no divorce until every statute of limitations is up. Besides, what she said about my cheating on her wasn’t technically true. She knew I was doing it, so it wasn’t really cheating.
Anyway, when it comes to boredom, she should talk. While she’s living it up in Washington I’m stuck in this stupid suburb. You know what’s so bad about the burbs? No interns. I try not to be there too much, but I have to keep up appearances, you know, have a dog and all that. Sometimes I think he’s the only one who appreciates me.
Since I’m writing to you, I guess I should make it pay and ask you about a couple of things that have been on my mind. I’ve noticed that women seem to be looking at me differently these days and I don’t know what to make of it. But to get to my biggest problem - I had an important job, but it only lasted for eight years and now I can’t find anything like it. I get offers, of course, but just between you and me, they s***. To give you an idea, they’ve got a TV show lined up for me, but my co-host will be this old guy who does Viagra ads. And they want us to talk public policy! That never did turn me on. I want to find something interesting, something uniquely me. Any ideas?
Bill from Chappaqua
Such ardent defense of a wife who wants a divorce bespeaks a chivalrous nature, but do you really think it improves her image to have you trotting along behind her to sweep up her verbal droppings? You need to concentrate more on your own life and stop worrying about hers – unless, of course, you’re planning to ride her back into the limelight someday.
In the meantime, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t savor your new circumstances. Suburban life need not be boring. Don’t the Girl Scouts still sell cookies? Remember - each knock at the door signals the possibility of contact with someone new and exciting, someone who may not have read Paula’s deposition.
What you said about your dog shows unusual awareness. Your dog does instinctively understand you. His grasp of concepts like fund-raising, pardons and legacy may be rudimentary, but every dog understands bribery. It’s what makes his world go round. Cultivate him.
Obsessing over how women look at you can lead to a loss of self-confidence. If they don’t scream “rapist”, just go ahead and say hello. If you hadn’t already spilled the beans, you might flash that enigmatic little smile and say “They’re Hanes”.
As you mull over your career change, look beyond the obvious. For example, while it’s true that you’ve lost the power to pardon, it’s also true that you don’t have to make any more apologies. A lesser man would have suffered ego damage making three public apologies a week for eight years. Whenever you get the itch to let fly with a pardon or two, remind yourself that it’s also nice never having to say you’re sorry.
To bag that perfect job, weigh your interests and take careful stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Have you ever considered running an escort service? A man like you could find this endlessly engrossing, not to say profitable.
There is no reason at all why these next years should not be your happiest ever.
And, oh - practice that sax.
Good luck and God bless.