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Ask Aunt Sophie By: Judith Schumann Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Friday, July 11, 2003


Dear Aunt Sophie,

I am going to be president some day.  Everyone in my family either has been already or will be if they can just stay alive.

I shouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing, but I have an annoying problem.  I f***ed up at a meeting of my supporters the other day.  I said f*** in public. I don't think it should be a big deal, but my people tell me even NY senators don't say that in public.

All I said was "I don't need this tax cut because I've never worked a f****** day in my life", and everybody is all over me like fleas on a tick or whatever the f****** expression is. You and I both know that everybody says f*** all the time.  It's so hypocritical for anyone to even notice. This is the 21st century.  Why make a stink over a lousy word? Everybody uses words, so what's
the big deal about this one? I was having an honest moment.

I really can't stand Bush or his f****** tax cut.  No one I know can stand it either.  If you don't work, you don't need a f****** tax cut.  I don't need it.  Nobody does. I don't see what's so great about working anyway.  I've done fine without it.  Anybody can. Half my constituents have never worked a day in their lives, either.  What's the big deal?

My people are telling me I should lay off drinking because I f*** up when I drink, but why shouldn't I drink if I want to?  Everybody drinks.  Even little babies drink. In my family we always drink. I have an uncle who is famous for his drinking.  In fact he would have been president, too, except that somebody drowned near our summer place.  Now don't go and think that I'm some kind of snob because I have a summer place.  It isn't that big a deal.  Everybody I know has one.  Even poor people have one, but it's the same as their winter place.  See what I mean? No biggie.

Anyway, you can't give me any advice worth hearing and you won't print this, so who cares?  I don't.  I just wanted to say what's on my mind honestly for a change. You'll vote for me some day.  Everyone will.  I'll be president whether I say f*** or not, because it's destiny, but who needs this s***?

Patrick


Dear Patrick,

I'm delighted that although you will one day be president you feel you can speak to me with candor. Honesty in a politician is like a rainbow on a summer night.

Although, as you point out, everyone does use words all day long, most people don't use that particular word in formal, public settings, and very few people expect to hear it when an elected official steps before a microphone. By raising this issue with you, your handlers are trying to help you preserve the fiction that you are likable and electable.  I'm glad you're honest enough to
want to dispel this canard.

It's also refreshing to learn that there is at least one politician with the good taste not to pander to the multitudes - you know, those people who are stuck in the same house year- round.  Anyone down to earth enough not to try to conceal the fact that he's never worked a day in his life shouldn't have any trouble getting Joe Sixpack to vote for him.

Of course there are still a few romantic souls who like to think their elected officials know what work is and actually do work in their behalf.  While they don't want to see them with dirt under their nails, they do like to imagine them doing some serious thinking, or at least heavy-duty schmoozing.  To motivate these idealistic people to vote for you, you should continue making strong policy-related statements, like "Why would anyone ever need a tax cut?" so they will know that even if you aren't working, you are at least thinking about them.

Your drinking shouldn't be a problem either, unless it causes you to crash into a tree, or drown or something.  At present, although they can still vote, dead men can't be president.

Even if everyone else in your family has been president, don't go off the deep end if you can't manage to uphold this tradition. I have the feeling your candor may lead you to disappoint.

At least I hope so.

Good luck and God bless.




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