WARSAW--A Volkswagen delivery bus explosion yesterday destroyed its cargo of 20 crates of premium Kielbasa in the latest round of understandable German reaction to Poland’s audacious attempts to preserve its illegal, oppressive, and probably petroleum-motivated occupation of German lands.
“We demand that the occupied territories of the East Bank of the Oder-Niesse and the East Prussia Strip that were taken by force be restored to the Federal Republic of Germany,” said a man who phoned in a claim of responsibility for the attack. The man claimed to represent the Alles-Aachen Martyrs Brigades, a coalition of German activists and freedom fighters.
According to the group’s website, the Brigades formed after a Polish EU liaison who stopped in Aachen for lunch last year insisted on Kielbasa instead of Bratwurst to fill his Frankfurt-style sandwich. “Bratwurst is Germany’s third most sacred delicacy, and this Pole’s hotdog was an insult added to the injury of sub-humans—I mean Slavs—occupation of our homeland.”
A spokesman for the German Authority, the shadow government in the occupied East Bank and East Prussia Strip, held an impromptu press conference and declared, “We hereby tepidly and with many winks condemn this attack, which if it was in any way wrong was the fault of the dirty, stinking Poles and their oppressive policies.”
Throughout the Western world, the German activists have acquired a panache fueled by the neo-multicultural perspective on modern history held by millions of college-educated activists.
“The Poles are pretty clearly the historical aggressors in the Middle Europe,” asserted Prell, a 29-year-old protestor from Fresno who last year capped a remarkable 10 year undergraduate run by collecting a B.A. in some social science he can’t remember. “For the 58 days that I have been closely following this crisis, the Poles have been in the position of occupying force.”
Polish efforts to win support in the EU Security Council for a resolution condemning the understandable German actions in stemming from legitimate root causes were stymied by a coalition led by France. “I don’t know,” said the French representative. “Collaborating with Germans just feels right.”
“If the Germans hate them, that’s always been good enough for us,” concurred a third-world dictator’s coat holder via satellite telephone. “The Poles are oppressing the people on occupied territory.”
“We’re not getting involved,” said Sweden’s ambassador in Warsaw, “except maybe to selectively posture about human rights or to profitably keep the Germans awash in iron ore.”
On the news program “Vannity & Doans,” a high-school dropout Hollywood actress demanded, “Poland must withdraw from the illegally conquered lands, abandon its imperialist policies, and respect the legitimate territorial aspirations of the peaceful German people. That is the only way to guarantee peace.”
When someone pointed out that Polish withdrawal would recreate the Polish Corridor, an indefensible strip of territory bordered on both sides by the Germans, the actress appeared to become constipated, dribbling out vague allusions to “right-wing hate” and “apartheid,” so Mr. Vannity invited a German expert to comment.
“Hey, you can never plan too far in advance,” said the Alles-Aachen apologist.
“German aspirations in the region are realistic,” added Johan Turleywiliger, a legal scholar with no relevant background whatsoever but who likes appearing on TV. “Because, I mean, the USSR was the creator and guarantor of the disputed Oder-Niesse frontier, and where are they now?”
Turleywiliger’s remarks caused a kerfuffle in Moscow. Fumed a spokesman for President Vladimir Putin: “Who do these people think we are, the U.S.?”