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Leftists are from Mars.... By: Steven Plaut
FrontPageMagazine.com | Monday, January 05, 2004


Well, now that the U.S. satellite "Spirit" has been set down safely by NASA on Mars, it occurred to me that these live pictures of the charms of Mars carry enormous political implications. Here are a few:

I believe NASA has discovered a place where the Palestinians could safely be granted their own state without it threatening genocide against anyone else.

NASA seems at last to have discovered a place where socialism has not yet failed.

The satellite has found a place even more frightening for youngsters than the Neverland Ranch.

It seems to be an area that Al Gore could carry in an election even without counting the chads.

It has at least as much water as Saudi Arabia, so why not ship the Saudis there and take away their oil?

What a wonderful place to ship all those anti-globalization protesters, because it has not been polluted by capitalism and American mass culture.

If we sent those Hollywood actors who opposed the Iraq War to Mars, they could at last be the smartest people around.

The International Solidarity Movement could be sent to show its solidarity with Mars slime.

No one would have to use racial profiling there to identify the terrorists.

Clinton could drop his trousers there and no one would care.

If we sent her there, Andrea Dworkin would be the most beautiful chick around.

Professors could teach Deconstructionism there and no one would break out laughing.

If we sent all the tort lawyers there, they would be the most honest people on the planet.

Any leftists there would never again have to whine about how the Right controls Talk Radio.

Dennis Kucinich and Michael Moore could serve as commandants of the first Martian collectivized farm.

Leftist can at last be happy there, with no Starbucks, no SUVs, and no McDonald's.

Shimon Peres can at last find a place where there really is no military solution to the problems of terrorism.

Yossi Beilin can sign a peace agreement with the natives that will not be violated by them within ten seconds.

Tikkun's Michael Lerner can be accepted there at last as the Planetary Rabbi, and no one will challenge his credentials or ordination.

Yasser Arafat would be the star on Bay Watch Mars, in his Speedo.

Hillary could ask some Martians to help her write her own personal self-revealing autobiography.

Liberals could implement Affirmative Action preferences for the red fungus there.

The environmentalists could enjoy a planet free of global warming!


Steven Plaut is a professor at the Graduate School of the Business Administration at the University of Haifa and is a columnist for the Jewish Press. A collection of his commentaries on the current events in Israel can be found on his "blog" at www.stevenplaut.blogspot.com.


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