Dear Aunt Sophie,
I don’t know why I am writing to you, because these days I seek no one’s advice and it is not in my character to write such a letter. But I am compelled by something, perhaps the same thing that compels me to change the world.
I have a vision for the world which I know will be, if you will excuse the expression, a godsend from me to all mankind. Yes, mankind. I do not say personkind, even as I rely on people who use this impossible word to advance my plan. They will forgive what they undoubtedly perceive as my linguistic shortcomings because to them I am a foreigner.
Foreigner. A galling concept. No human being should be considered a foreigner anywhere on this earth, or anywhere else, for that matter. And yet, because they think I am a foreigner they will not let me be president of the United States. Your Constitution is so short-sighted. I would be the best president ever. I would also be the last because this country would never need another. I would be a great president, much better than this idiot Bush, who does not give me the time of day, not even after I rescued his wretchedly managed oil company. Ingratitude!
In any case, countries should not have presidents. There should be only one president. Why should the people of one country elect the most powerful man on the planet when 6,373,450,973 others would like the chance to do the same thing? It is my desire to give them that chance, although I admit it will take some time. There are other things I will do as well, but I must begin by convincing people to break down these stupid borders and boundaries that are the cause every problem that is not caused by Israel and the United States.
I am already 73 years old and I must face the fact that I may not live forever. If I do not however, I hope my own son will grasp that it is absolutely essential for me to live as long as possible and that he will not try to convince me to leave this life voluntarily. I tried this with my own father and he disappointed me greatly by hanging on for so long. Of course I have no intention of getting sick or dying. Still, one must consider certain possibilities - if Bush wins the next election, for example, that could finish me.
I have two important questions for you, and your future rests entirely on how you answer them: How can I make sure I will live forever? And how can I get rid of this religious moron who is much worse than Hitler? I am willing to commit my entire fortune to this end, but I fear it may not be enough. It is sad, but Americans are not capable of self-government.
Georgius Magnus Immortalis
You will forgive me for not using your full title, but so far we do not use titles in this country. In fact, many people seem even to have dispensed with titles like Mother and Father. But if we did use them, I would suggest a more appropriate one for you, like Georgius Insanissimus Maximus.
Now before you get your Hanes in a twist please understand that this is not meant as an insult. There is something grand about total madness.
But let me get to the two matters that apparently concern you the most. First, the key to eternal life. Since, unlike you, I lack a window into the future, I am unfortunately not privy to next week’s orthodoxy. But for the present, anyone wishing to live forever should buckle up, get an hour of exercise every day, eschew either animal fats or carbs, depending on which will make him the more tedious dinner companion, avoid inhaling and always practice safe sex.
Removing Mr. Bush from the White House may prove more difficult, but I think there is a way, if you can just convince him to go along with it. See if you can talk him into setting up a powwow for Kofi, Jacques, Gerhard and Vladi, along with all the sports who’ve sworn jihad against America. Then, over tea and grilled sheep’s eyes, he should ask them to suggest ways for America to revise its Constitution to accommodate itself to sharia. This is, after all, the sophisticated and civilized approach to immigration and if Mr. Bush takes it, voilá, he’s outta there.
Since you’ve made no bones about your hatred of the President, you might have some trouble getting the White House switchboard to put you through so you can make your proposal, but don’t let that ruin your day. Waiting on perma-hold shouldn’t be a problem for someone who’s going to live forever.
Good luck and God bless.