Dear Aunt Sophie,
What a ridiculous name your parents gave you! You could have been given a beautiful name like Shahida and you wouldn’t have become the stupid tart that you are. But that, as you infidels say, is your problem.
My problem is that I am sitting in a room by myself. All day, all night. I have only my television and the visits from my idiotic interrogators. They do not know how to interrogate, so, of course, I have told them nothing.
Altogether, you are very stupid people. For example, on my television I have seen reports about torture in Iraqi jails. Torture!? The walls of these jails have never seen anything like this. Imagine, forcing men to stand naked! When my sons ran those jails they knew how to treat the prisoners. You are amateurs. You don’t even know how to humiliate someone properly, although putting women in charge is a nice touch. I wonder why my boys never thought of that.
What I do not understand about your society is that your television will show pictures of naked Iraqis and everyone will look at them and say it is a disgrace, but you will not show pictures of one of your own having his head ripped off because it is too upsetting. For the same reason you would not show pictures of your fellow countrymen jumping out of the World Trade Center on that glorious day. It does not make sense. If I still had my tapes I would be watching that glorious gift of Allah over and over again.
That is the worst thing I endure these days – television. They talk of nothing else but this so-called torture. Torture is part of life, like eating or sleeping. Why should this be the subject of every broadcast? Naked men are not such an interesting sight if they are not bleeding.
Otherwise, life here is not all bad. It was better when I had my sons to bring me fresh stories every day, but I have enough memories to last a lifetime. My bed is not uncomfortable. My food would be good if they didn’t take so much care with my diet. They are very careful not to give me anything haram, stupid sons of pigs that they are. When I get out of here, the first thing I’m going to do is order some bacon and eggs. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Even so, I’ve put on a few kilos and I think I’m beginning to look like the old maximum leader once again. One must be thankful for such things while one waits for the infidel to retreat with his monkey-tail between his legs.
Are you wondering why I write to you, you daughter of the whore-monkey queen? It is not for your stupid advice. It is because I want my tapes. If I don’t see some real torture around here soon I will go mad. If you will put pressure on Little Bush to return them to me I will not have you stoned.
I hope you will not be so stupid as not to help me.
It must be sheer hell for a guy like you to sit in a clean cell all day long eating your three squares, knowing that everything you worked so hard for has gone up in smoke. First the infidel invades your capital and sleeps in your palace, for Pete’s sake, in your own bed. Then he uncovers those messy shallow graves with all those broken, bullet-hole-riddled bodies in them. Yuck. Ugh. And then he gives your prisons a coat of paint and puts your own home boys in them. The humiliation! Not to mention the sensory deprivation – how does one endure silence in place of the delighted squeals of children watching their parents being fed into shredders? It’s enough to bring tears to a whore-monkey’s eyes.
In America there is a saying, “Into each life some rain must fall.” What that means is that sometimes you can’t get all the channels you want. If you had HBO you could be watching something besides the news, but such is life. Of course, if you can catch Richard Ben Veniste’s attention, the Geneva Convention will suddenly be seen to require premium channels. Otherwise I doubt that the American taxpayer would be willing to spring for them. In any case, consider yourself lucky. If you were in Canada, you’d be stuck with CBC and CNN. No Fox News. Now that would really be torture, and if I read you right, you’d rather watch torture than experience it, eh?
What you’ve observed is an illustration of the old saw – good help is hard to find. Our people obviously studied with the wrong teachers. If we ever become as proficient at detaching crania as your homies are, your viewing experience will improve. Trust me – if our guys did it, it would be shown worldwide on an endless loop.
In the meantime, ask if they’ll let you tune into Radio America. You’ll just love the sound of truth being tortured.
Good luck and God bless.