Dear Aunt Sophie,
I think you are an idiot, but some of my friends have written to you, so I guess it’s time for me to write, too, even though I think my friends are idiots - like a certain former president who wrote to you just the other day and called me a skuzzy fat boy. Him! Thunder Thighs! He also called me a liar. The Pinocchio of the Ozarks says I’m a liar! What a trip.
Unlike my stupid friends, I don’t have any problems. I’m filthy rich (so are they) and I just won one of the most prestigious prizes you can win in my field. That’s film, in case you didn’t know. I’m a director. I direct documentaries, which are factual films, in case you didn’t know. Mine are especially factual. I try to present another side to things and I always take the side of the underdog, no matter what kind of lowlife he is.
Some people say I lie in my films, but what do they know? They’re idiots. If they weren’t, they’d know there’s a difference between lies and editorial choices. For example, let’s suppose the president of the United States says, “And I say to those who think America is weak, we will stay the course. We will prevail.” So if he says in my film, “America is weak,” is that a lie? Of course not. He said it. So how does that make me a liar? I never lie. People are just too quick to toss that word around these days.
So why am I writing to you? I don’t have any problems except one, and that is what I suppose I have to call “my” country. I happen to live in the most idiotic, stupid and evil country on earth. It’s run by oil companies, Israel and other vile corporations. It’s a place where nobody thinks of anything but the bottom line. It is a mercenary, heartless, corrupt country full of the stupidest, most venal people on the planet and it’s being led by a certifiable moron who couldn’t even run a successful oil business. This cretin almost won the election, by which I mean he came in second, but it really wasn’t even close because they wouldn’t let the so-called felons vote (how I detest labels), and then he stole it. Stole the election! I cannot forgive him for that, and I cannot forgive the dumb white male population that voted for him and I cannot forgive the country for having this population.
There is nothing decent about a country that permits atrocities like the Crusades and the Inquisition to take place, not to mention the destruction of the rain forest. It’s pure evil. How could I love evil? If I said I loved this country, I’d be saying I loved evil and if I said I loved evil, I’d be a liar, and I am no liar.
How can anyone love this country?
One Candid Dude
One of the great things about America is its diversity – it’s full of smart people who know that lies are lies even when they aren’t labeled, and it is also home to the other kind, the ones who go to your movies and buy your books. Since America is a great country, both kinds of people are equally free to work, play, pray, vote and generally pursue their idea of happiness, even when that means letting some unkempt puffer impugn their character while overdosing on their money. You’ve been so busy maligning America that you probably haven’t noticed that not one official of this illegitimate, repressive, noisome, fascist government has tried to shut down a single theater exhibiting your docufantasies.
I agree that people are much too quick to toss the L word around these days. One should be careful whom one calls a liar. Nowadays, a president who undertakes a war to safeguard the country he is constitutionally bound to protect, and subsequently learns that the information he relied on was faulty, is clearly a liar, but a supersized celebrity who says he grew up in one town when he actually grew up in another is guilty only of having relied on bad information from his parents.
Your concern with underdogs is very American. If you manage to turn America into an underdog will you support it then?
Although you’ll probably never grasp this, you don’t have a problem with this country. You got rich trashing it, didn’t you? Oh, there I go again, talking about money. As everybody knows, the only thing Americans ever think about is money, except for Hollywood filmmakers, who are famous for never looking at the bottom line.
You ask how anyone can love this country. You wouldn’t understand – it’s an adult thing.
Good luck and God bless.