Dear Aunt Sophie,
I hope you will use the utmost discretion. People mustn’t find out that I’ve written to you.
I am a prominent journalist with an impeccable reputation for probity (honesty). Everything I do is strictly according to accepted journalistic standards. But lately some people have questioned my integrity and I don’t like it. What right do they have to question the integrity of America’s premier news man? It’s my job to question other people’s integrity, not the other way around.
It all started when I got hold of some documents showing that our “president,” who was AWOL from the National Guard while other presidential candidates were earning Purple Hearts and Silver Stars, had received a terrible evaluation from his superiors. I always knew he was a lousy flier and that he was as soft as the underside of a six-day-old duckling on a diet of firefly wings. These documents I received proved what I always knew - that his time in the Guard was a complete sham.
Now you might wonder why I think this is important. Well, I’ll tell you. He should have volunteered to go to Vietnam like the other guy. Instead, he went into the Air National Guard and promptly went AWOL. I wouldn’t care what he did except that the other guy, whom I support (but I can’t say it outright because we journalists aren’t supposed to reveal our political positions), is a genuine war hero who has every right to talk about his heroism, while our part-time ace had the nerve to appear on an aircraft carrier in a flyboy suit as if he knew something about war. That’s where these documents come in. They show him for what he really is.
Don’t ask me how I knew these papers were authentic - I just knew. They backed up everything I ever knew about this over-privileged baby. They’re as genuine as the bumps on an alligator’s back. When you know something is true you don’t have to check it out. Just ask a born-again if Jesus is Lord. He’ll say yes and when you ask him how he knows, he’ll tell you he knows because it’s in the Bible and the Bible is true. You don’t tell him to check it out! Well, I know that what’s in these documents is true. I shouldn’t have to spend my valuable time trying to prove something I know is true is true. It just is.
But how can I get other people to see it?
Dear Danny Boy,
It’s so nice to hear from a man of incontrovertible views. Compared to your favorite Democratic weathercock you are a breath of air as fresh.
Most times, when people say they “got religion” they aren’t referring to having adopted a political philosophy, but if a few primitive forgeries are what pass for Scripture in your belief system, so be it. However, just so you know, most people think that things like documents purportedly written in 1972 by Air Force Colonels in Word for Windows XP deserve a little skepticism – as would the discovery of the manuscript of The Camera Never Blinks: Adventures of a TV Journalist on a parchment roll hidden in a cave near the Dead Sea.
But I’ll bet your favorite aeronaut’s supposed derelictions of duty aren’t the only articles of faith in your creed. You also know as surely as black dogs bark that poverty causes crime, that taxation causes prosperity, that other people’s SUV’s cause global warming – which in turn causes hurricanes in Florida (not to mention droughts in le pays de la résistance and an increase in the price of your favorite Montrachet). You know that illegal immigrants enrich the countries they invade, that the Soviet Union would eventually have fallen apart due to lack of sufficient government planning even if Bonzo had never left Hollywood, that Thomas Jefferson left black descendents strewn all over Virginia, that if the United States paid its UN dues on time there would be no more war and that a global tax on ammunition, in conjunction with a ban on peashooters, would put an end to schoolyard bullying. These are a few of your self-evident truths, assertions that needn’t be proven and shouldn’t be questioned. You gotta believe!
What is also true is that CBS is in free fall thanks to you and that its credibility is right up there with Iraq’s former Minister of Information, decorated war hero Bill Clinton, Jayson Blair, Pinocchio and Baron Munchausen.
Congratulations. In your next life may you come back as a used car salesman.
Good luck and God bless.