Dear Aunt Sophie,
I did it! I was brilliant! I’m talking about the presidential debate the other night. I assume you saw it. I’m told most people were watching and I would say offhand that anyone who didn’t watch doesn’t take his American citizenship very seriously. I know that despite what the polls say, most people are either voting for me or are undecided and leaning toward me. How could it be otherwise?
I really let him have it. Of course, debating him is like taking bonbons from a bébé. That’s why I love these debates. I’m going to cut through him like a swift boat whizzing up the Mecong.
I was really at my best. Everyone said so. But there was just one little thing that marred the whole experience for me. I wonder if you noticed. Teresa did, and I wish she had told me before I went on air. It was the nail on my ring finger - it was too long. I’ve heard that Fox News posted a piece in which Carl Cameron quoted me as having said my nails were great, then they said it was a joke that mistakenly made it to the news site. But if that’s so, how come it was so close to what actually happened? This is something for my investigators. Are the Bush people taping my pillow talk?
What actually happened was that I told Teresa I thought my nails were great and she pointed out that the ring finger nail was a little longer than the others. It spoiled the whole evening for me. She could have waited a few weeks to talk about it. I’m sure Jean Pierre would have corrected it at my next manicure and it never would have become an issue.
But what happened instead was that I was so hurt by her criticism that I lashed out at her. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I told her I didn’t think her last Botox injection had quite cut it. I realize that wasn’t very nice, and wasn’t even true since the man is an artist with the tox, but I couldn’t just let it pass. I had to say something. And from there it escalated. One thing led to another and pretty soon she was yelling at me that she thinks her hair is just as important as mine and then it degenerated into a foreign policy free-for-all (she thinks we should buy a home on the Riviera and I think it would look bad not to wait until after the start of my second term. I realize I’d told her it was OK before I told her it wasn’t, but you’d think she wouldn’t have brought it up again right after a debate.)
Isn’t it amazing how little things can touch off a really nasty fight? Well, if she really wants the place on the Riviera there’s no way I can stop her, but I do hope she’ll reconsider. The average voter probably can’t identify with that too easily.
In the meantime, did you notice the nail, too or were you concentrating on my tie?
Dear JFK too,
From my point of view, it’s not the nails, it’s the hair that needs the real work. Most Americans can’t spend $700. on a haircut and don’t like to be reminded of that fact every time they look at their president. You should definitely check out Super Cuts.
I’m happy to learn that you can be unequivocal at home. Telling your wife to wait to buy the pad on the Riviera shows real leadership. Unfortunately, most people will never know that you put your foot down unless you tell them, so I think you should find a way to work this into your next important speech. The people are waiting to see you at your principled best.
While you’re at it, you should also let them know that you’ve sold the SUV’s, or better yet, donated them to an environmental charity like the Earth Liberation Front. That would demonstrate your concern for the planet. You could make the announcement during the next debate. It would be a dramatic high point and would undoubtedly undercut your opponent, who seems to think the earth is not a museum.
I also wish you’d explain your foreign policy a little better during the debate instead of leaving your policy discussions for the chambre à coucher. It isn’t enough just to say you’ll ask “may I?” at the UN every time you want to chase down the murderers of enough Americans to populate a small town. It would be much better to illustrate, using actual examples of how helpful that august body is when it isn’t fleecing the New York taxpayer to cover its parking fines. For example, you could give a précis of all its peace-keeping triumphs during its longer-than-necessary existence - like the fact that there have only been some 80-plus wars since it put itself in charge of maintaining world harmony.
As for the cooperation we always get from la France, you might remind voters of the way nos amies galliques facilitated our bombing of Libya by forbidding us to fly over their territory, thus assuring our pilots of a mission with a frisson of danger rather than the safe but boring raid it might have been.
If I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much about your nails except to consider asking Jean Pierre to try a semi-gloss finish next time.
Good luck and God bless.