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A Recovered Phone Call from the Campaign Trail (Satire) By: Judith Weizner
FrontPageMagazine.com | Thursday, November 04, 2004


Who? Yassir? Oh. OK. Put him through.

Yassir! I'd just about given up on you. Glad you can still talk. You must be feeling better. I hope so. No, I'm not kidding. I never kid. That was an expression of genuine concern for you. So how are things on the West Bank? I've heard that recently quite a few of your friends have had, shall we say, explosive automotive accidents. That could give a guy nightmares.

Not your friends. That's a relief.

You know, I was going to call you, but I thought it might not look so goo.what? Oh, that! Absolutely not! I could never think of you as a nuisance. That's typical Bush-speak. Lies. Distortions. He can't tell the truth about anything - weapons of mass destruction, privatizing social security, the draft, anything.

What I said was.no, of course I wasn't thinking of you. You've assured me you're a freedom fighter, not a terrorist, and if you say so it's good enough for me.  Why would you even imagine that I'd put you in that category? I'm so sorry I wasn't clearer. Of course it wasn't meant to humiliate you. No. Bush, Rumsfeld, Cheney - did you know his daughter is a lesbian? - they're the nuisance.

As it happens I'm glad you called. I've been wanting to thank you for your support, but I was hamstrung by the need to be discreet. No, nothing to do with pigs. It refers to severing a muscle in the back of the leg to hobble an animal. Yes, or a man. So you are familiar with the technique, but I suppose you call it by a different name.

Anyway, as I was saying, a lot of people who plan to vote for me are Jews, so I shouldn't appear to be on intimate terms with you right now. I'm sure you can appreciate my position - I have to look as if I can bring peace to the Middle East. It's tricky. The polls are close. I can't afford to alienate anyone.

Yes, Yassir, as a matter of fact it is true that my grandfather was Jewish, but I'm not. I never have been. I'm Catholic. My faith is extremely important to me. Conversion? Never. Maybe sometime in the future. I don't think America is ready for a Muslim president.

Unfortunately, Americans aren't big on subtlety, as you may have noticed.  They don't seem to understand that it's possible to hold two opposite opinions simultaneously. That isn't flip-flopping, no matter what they say. Flip-flopping is when you keep changing your position. When you truly hold two positions you don't change them. They're both there, 24/7.

Tell me, Yassir, just so I know - once I'm elected are you going to keep up the suicide bomb. I mean glorious martyrdoms - of course that's what I meant to say. It would help a lot if they'd just lay off for a few months until we get far enough into my administration so that it's clear who's responsible for.yes, to be perfectly honest, I have given it some thought. I know you won it a few years ago and there's no reason why they shouldn't give one to me. Do you have any friends on the committee? Three purple hearts and a couple of silver stars - you did know I'm a war hero, didn't you? - are nothing compared to the Peace Prize. That's an honor I would definitely not give back.

Oh, I've been meaning to ask - the reception - was the food any good? I've heard rumors.oh, so just for that evening everybody's French, so to speak - no halal, no haram. Isn't multi-culturalism wonderful?

Well, I wish it were that simple, but we can't just nuke their fence. Besides, you wouldn't want us to nuke them - we'd be nuking you, too. You what? You don't care if we nuke you as long as we nuke them? OK, I'm going to assume you're speaking in hyperbole. You are exaggerating, aren't you?

Wow! You freedom fighters sure know what you want. I wish I could figure out what I want - once I'm president, that is. Being President of the United States can ruin your life if you don't know what you want. And everything after the second term must be so anti-climactic.

No, you don't have to worry about that. He certainly won't be in my administration. Not under any circumstances. He's a Republican. He isn't qualified for anything. Mayor of New York is a very unimportant position. But don't tell me it's still bothering you after all these years! He only threw you out of a concert at Lincoln Center, after all. It isn't as if he raped your sister. Humiliated? You want to know humiliated? Try putting up with comments about only marrying heiresses. They know I can't help it. This is a rich country and it has rich women. Somebody has to marry them.

Well, Yassir, I hope I've addressed your concerns. I really do appreciate the call and I hope I've cleared up our little misunderstanding. Be patient. I have a plan. I have lots of plans. And I have friends in France and other high places. Just hang on. Help is on the way.


Judith Weizner is a columnist for Frontpagemag.com.


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